Your Holiday Emotional Survival Guide: Rewriting Your Holiday Script, with Boundaries and Compassion

For those of us interacting with our families over the holiday season, the beginning of our blog post is for you!

Our family stories are like intricate tapestries — woven with threads of love, tension, hope, and complexity.
What if this holiday season, you could view that tapestry with new eyes?

Recognizing Your Familiar Pattern

Every family has an invisible script — a set of unspoken roles and expectations that echo through gatherings year after year. Perhaps you've noticed your automatic role:

• The peacemaker who smooths every rough edge

• The problem solver who fixes everything

• The one always expected to be perfect

• The member who never quite seems to fit in

These roles aren't accidents. They're survival strategies developed over years — protective mechanisms that once kept everyone safe, but now can make spending any amount of extended time together challenging.

The First Step: Gentle Awareness

This year, begin with the goal of simple observation. Not change. Not judgment. Just noticing.

When you find yourself slipping into that familiar role, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself:

• What am I protecting myself from?

• How does this pattern feel in my body?

• What would it be like to respond differently?

From Awareness to Connection: Reimagining Boundaries

As you begin to notice and want to change aspects of how we interact with others, we often lean in one of two directions: wanting more connection, or in the case of many family relationships, wanting to be clear on our limits and boundaries. While ridged boundaries have blown up on social media this year, when done in a mindful way, boundaries aren't simply walls or barriers — they can be bridges towards a deeper understanding and better connections. They're not about pushing people away, but about creating healthier, more authentic connections that explore and respond to both your needs and your relationships.

Crafting Compassionate Limits

For families where direct vulnerability is challenging, boundaries become an art of gentle negotiation:

"I'm looking forward to the holiday gathering, and I want to be really intentional about our time together. I can join for the main dinner, which would be from 5-7 pm. Would you be open to grabbing coffee just the two of us later this month? I'd love to hear more about [specific thing they care about] and catch up more meaningfully."

See what we did here?

Desire for connection/what feels important + Boundary + Exploring other ways to connect in ways that feel good.

For relationships that we want to continue building and refining, the hope is that it leaves everyone feeling valued but clearer on what is possible.

Boundary Translations: Beyond Time

Compassionate boundaries can apply to various aspects of family interactions:

Emotional Boundaries

• "I care about you and want you to know about [what’s going on in my life] and I'm not comfortable discussing [specific topic] right now. [Way this would work better, or what would need to be present in the relationship for this to happen]. I hope we can get there!”

• "I'd love to hear about your perspective, and I want to share mine in a way that feels okay for both of us. Can we do this in a different way"

Conversational Boundaries

• "I appreciate you sharing, and I'm wondering if we could talk about [specific topic] as well."

• "This conversation feels challenging. Could we pause and revisit it when we're both feeling calm?"

Personal Space Boundaries

• "I'm excited to be here, and I also need some quiet time to recharge."

• "I love our family gathering, and hope it’s ok if I step out for a few minutes to take a walk and reset. I know I will be more present if I’m able to do that, and I want to be present when we are all here!"

Topic Boundaries

• "I know this is important to you, and I'm not in a place to discuss it deeply right now. [Better time to circle back]"

• "I want to understand, and I might need some time to process before responding."

The underlying principle remains the same: These boundaries are about connection, not separation. They're invitations to more authentic, respectful interactions while communicating care for the other person or the relationship.

Grounding Yourself in the Moment

As you begin to shift these patterns, you'll need an anchor — a way to stay present when dynamics feel intense with others.

The Embodied Pause

Think of this as your personal reset button. When tensions rise:

1. Root Yourself Feel your feet on the ground. Notice the connection between your body and the earth.

2. Body Scan Slowly release tension:

   • Soften your jaw

   • Drop your shoulders

   • Unclench your hands

   • Breathe into any areas of tightness

3. Intention Setting Ask yourself quietly:

   • "What do I need right now?"

   • "How can I be kind to myself in this moment?"

This pause isn't about perfection. It's about creating a small sanctuary of calm within yourself.

Compassion: The Unexpected Healing Lens

As you become more aware, something magical happens. You start to see your others — and yourself — with deeper understanding.

Those behaviors that once triggered you? While they still may be tough (this takes time!) they can also be opportunities for compassion.

• Your aunt's critical comments stem from her own unhealed wounds

• Your father's emotional distance is likely a learned survival mechanism

• Every family member is carrying a story you know nothing about

Compassion doesn't mean accepting harmful behavior. It means recognizing our shared humanity, and hopefully make it mean a bit less about us when we end up on the receiving end of a comment that really has nothing to do with us - even when it makes complete sense to be hurt or caught off guard.

Rewriting Your Connection

Many relationships can't be transformed overnight. Some scripts need a complete rewrite.

Your options are broader than you might think:

• Create meaningful connections outside traditional gatherings

• Set loving, clear limits

• Celebrate your own worth, independent of family expectations

• Choose connection on your terms

Our hope is that holiday season isn't about perfection, but holds a bit more space to try something new. It's about permission — permission to learn, to grow, to be imperfectly human.

Finding Warmth in the Grey: A Guide to Navigating Low Moods and Dreary Weather

As days shorten and skies turn grey, many of us feel a natural shift in our mood and energy. We’re often encouraged to keep moving, to always be productive, but our bodies and minds may be telling us something different as the year winds down. This season invites a gentler rhythm, one that balances the comfort of staying in with the occasional pull to step outside and connect. For many, this balance can be hard to find, especially when there’s a subtle message that we should always be doing something.

These grey months are a wonderful opportunity to slow down, tune into our bodies, and reconnect with a more intuitive, seasonal way of living. Let’s explore how to navigate this time with warmth, balance, and compassion.

1. Listen to Your Body’s Messages: Checking In With Kindness

The first step to finding balance during these months is paying close attention to signals from your body. So often, we go through our days out of habit, carrying with us the sense that we need to be active and busy. This can lead us to ignore the gentler cues from our bodies about what we truly need.

Take a few moments each day to check in physically. You might start by sitting comfortably, closing your eyes, and noticing where you feel tension or heaviness. Ask yourself: What is my body feeling today? Perhaps it’s an ache, a feeling of lightness, or an urge for warmth and rest. Try sitting with whatever arises without judgment or the need to “fix” it immediately. By tuning in this way, you create a space to truly feel what your body is asking for.

This connection to your body’s natural rhythm is a way to honor yourself. Some days, it will guide you to rest. Other days, it may call for movement. Let your body’s signals guide you, reminding yourself that what feels right will shift from day to day, just as the seasons shift.

2. Embrace the Cozy: Creating Comfort and Warmth at Home

A wonderful way to nurture yourself during the colder, grey months is to lean into cozy moments that bring you comfort. This time of year naturally invites rest and quiet, and creating a warm, welcoming space at home can be deeply nourishing.

Try simple rituals that make you feel grounded, whether it’s wrapping up in a soft blanket, lighting a candle, or making a cup of tea. When you give yourself permission to embrace this cozy time, you can enjoy it as a restorative experience rather than as “doing nothing.” These little practices help you connect with yourself in a meaningful way. Think of cozy moments as a chance to refuel and care for yourself, rather than seeing them as passive or unproductive.

3. Recognize When It’s Time to Step Out: Noticing What Brings Energy

While there’s value in resting, too much time indoors or in solitude can sometimes feel stifling. It’s natural to feel withdrawn in colder months, but it’s important to notice when you might benefit from a little fresh air, connection, or movement.

You can check in with your body when deciding if it’s time to step out. Perhaps start by asking: How does my body feel right now? Would a bit of movement or fresh air feel helpful, or is rest what I really need? If you decide to go outside, notice how it feels in your body. Some days, the brisk air or a change of scenery will feel energizing. Other days, you may not feel much of a shift—and that’s okay too. The goal is to be present with yourself, noticing what feels helpful without any expectation. It’s a gentle practice of tuning in and experimenting with what feels supportive.

A few additional questions to help guide you:

• Do I feel energized by the idea of fresh air or movement? If the answer is yes, a short walk outside or even opening a window can be refreshing.

• Am I feeling a bit restless or “stuck”? Restlessness often signals that your body is ready for a gentle change in pace, even if that means a small walk or a few stretches at home.

• Do I feel isolated or in need of connection? Spending time with others, even in small doses, can lift your spirits. Meeting a friend for coffee or going to a quiet, familiar spot can help you feel more connected.

Tuning into your body’s responses to these questions can help you decide whether to stay in or seek out something more energizing. Some days, that small step outside can lift your mood and make you feel more in touch with the world. Other days, simply resting indoors might be what your body needs.

4. Set Gentle Intentions: Soft Goals for Balance and Connection

If you feel like you’d benefit from going out but aren’t sure you have the energy, try setting gentle, flexible goals. Instead of committing to a big outing, make these goals “soft” and easy to adjust. For example, plan to go outside for five minutes and see how you feel, or visit a café with the option to leave whenever you like. When you give yourself permission to change plans as needed, you make going out less daunting.

These soft intentions are a way to find balance in the grey months. Each day, your needs may look different, and your body will guide you if you’re willing to listen. This gentler approach allows you to take things one day at a time, adjusting to the natural changes in energy and mood that this season often brings.

5. Reconsider the Urge to Stay Busy: Embrace Your Own Rhythm

While we often receive messages that “doing more” is better, the grey months remind us that rest and quiet have their own essential value. This season gives us permission to slow down and live with the natural rhythm of our bodies, rather than a constant push to stay active or busy. We don’t need to earn rest, and it’s okay to allow yourself downtime. By letting go of any pressure to keep up a constant pace, you open space to embrace moments of calm and quiet as valuable, just as they are.

In many ways, nature shows us a slower pace in the colder months. Trees shed their leaves, animals hibernate, and the daylight hours are shorter. Our bodies are also impacted by these changes. By recognizing this natural rhythm and letting go of any urgency to keep moving, we’re honoring ourselves as part of this seasonal flow.

6. Savor Small Joys and Meaningful Moments

Finding small, meaningful moments each day can help ground and connect you. Focus on simple joys that add comfort and ease—a warm drink, a favorite candle, a few minutes of mindful breathing. These little acts create a sense of purpose and calm, allowing you to stay present and savor the richness of the season.

7. Remind Yourself That This Season Will Pass—And You Will Adapt

When the days feel especially grey, remember that this season, like all others, will pass. The shorter days and cooler temperatures are temporary, and with time, brighter days will return. Just as the seasons change, so do our moods and energy. By honoring where you are right now and listening to your body, you’re building a foundation of self-compassion and acceptance that will carry you through this season and beyond.

Closing Thought: Rest, Reach Out, and Trust Your Own Rhythm

This season invites you to explore the balance between staying cozy and seeking connection. By listening to your body and honoring your own natural rhythm, you’re creating a life that supports both comfort and energy. Trust yourself to know when to rest deeply and when to embrace the world outside. Each day, check in with yourself and respond with kindness—whatever that looks like for you.

To Go or Not to Go: The Dilemma of Social Anxiety

If you experience social anxiety, it’s likely that at SOME point in the not so recent past, you’ve thought or spoken the following words, truly confused about what choice would feel better at the end of the day…

“Should I go? Or should I just stay home?”

The last few months, I have had a LOT of conversations about the experience of social anxiety: with my clients, with friends and family, and most recently as I spoken to people navigating hesitations and fears about joining a workshop I run that involves sharing with others in a larger group.

I get it – I’ve been there. After a long wait, the circle full of faces all turn towards you, listening. You’ve been diligently rehearsing the ‘right’ thing to share during the last six peoples’ monologues – somehow you failed to pay attention to what anyone else just said while also somehow simultaneously judging yourself for not coming up with what the guy two people to the left just shared. A few words pour out of your mouth, sounding not quite like you planned. Like clockwork, home in bed later that night, you have an epiphany about what you really should have said in that moment.

Sound familiar?

I teach yoga, I’m a counsellor, I run workshops, I’ve both facilitated and participated in a few very challenging groups and I still find myself less than enthused and comfortable when I have to share with a group of people, especially if its personal.

Of course it’s so undeniably awkward and contrived… in a society where it’s still challenging to really feel like we can trust our closest friends and relationships with how we feel, we often hide our worries and our insecurities even with the people who know us best.  While we have grown a lot as a society, as a counsellor, I know this is still true because of the sheer number of times a client has said to me, “No one else knows this about me, but…” Why on earth would we find digging deep to share our internal world with a group of strangers who we have NO idea what they could possibly be thinking of us a breeze, much less a delight?! Being truly at ease with this idea requires remarkable sturdiness and self-assuredness, and even then it’s not an experience many of us love, at least not the first few times.

(Have I convinced you that participating in one of our groups is a good idea yet?)

And yet… something in this process works for many people. I still return to situations where I share my heart and sometimes very vulnerable feelings in these oddly uncomfortable situations. I hear friends rave about the workshop they went to that was focused on just that – sharing with strangers. I watch people walk out of classes and workshops looking lighter, more connected and way less anxious than when they came in.

So what gives? And when do we know when to risk showing up to a potentially anxious situation, and when do we bow out, protecting ourselves from the potential horror or shame of being seen in a way that might not feel good?

It’s not a straightforward answer, but read on for a few pointers that might provide a little extra clarity.

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I want to pause for a moment, and state what might already be obvious: I’m using groups or workshops as an example, but the same concept and questions apply to other situations where social anxiety might rear its ugly head… parties, public speaking, networking events, meeting your partner’s close friends or family, family reunions, events combining multiple friend groups, performing… the list is endless.

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I’ve recently become an owner to an adorable but sometimes fearful puppy, so lately my explanations have used sweet little animal brains and behaviour as an example – I hate to break it to you, but underneath our fancy ability to use language and our incredibly intelligent minds, when it comes to the basics of fear, our brains aren’t so different!

Picture this. Over time a sweet little puppy who loved to play with other dogs slowly learned that not all dogs are as playful, cuddly and confident as we might. A few surprise dog fights or barking rallies later, your dog (who body and nervous system has an AMAZING capacity to remember and react to things that are scary – just like us) starts to bark, run away from, or cower at other many of the dogs you meet when they are out and about in the world.

This little dog is learning to be more and more sensitive to potential danger. This totally makes sense – puppies just wants to stay safe! It now knows that not all dogs are potential playmates, and the more challenging interactions occur with other dogs, the more sensitive, and fearful the dog will become (basically building more evidence that the fear is necessary). If you are training this dog, you could a) avoid ALL contact with other dogs , b) continue as if nothing were wrong or c) start to maximize positive interactions with other dogs, and minimize things escalating to a level where your dog has any good reason to be afraid!

Plot spoiler - the best option for your dog to become self assured around other dogs again is option C. Option A doesn’t give our little puppy ANY options to feel safe around other dogs in the long term, while option B will only enforce more fear, as once anxiety around a certain situation (other dogs) begins, every challenging interaction adds a bit more fear on top.

Just like our cute little example puppy, somewhere along the line, most of us have learned that some interactions leave us feeling afraid, cowering, emotionally spent, or even defensive and over time, for many of us, this fear has grown. Over time, knowing how to respond when the desire to skip out situations that make you feel anxious becomes more complicated, as it can be hard to know what might end up making you feel best at the end of the day.

The trick to walking out of a room or group situation feeling confident and more at ease (instead of feeling crappy about ourselves and less likely to return) is in picking situations where the risk is low, and success is likely, especially in the beginning, or if your anxiety is quite high. Just like dog training with option C above, a conversation for a different place, this is easier said than done, but here are some ideas to get you started if this is a new idea for you.

For our furry friend, low risk and high success might look like only playing with predictable dogs we know and love. For us this might look like choosing to share vulnerable feelings or fears only with others we know can trust, or only with those who are most likely to respond in a way that might feel good to us, so that a sense of safety can be rediscovered.

Then slowly as things start to go well, its likely we begin to feel a little bit more comfortable being more ourselves around a few close others. We can the start to experiment with reaching outside of our known bubble. For a puppy this might mean having a few moments of sniffing unknown dogs who look realllly friendly from afar, whose owners also have confirmed they will probably be up for a gentle meet and greet, then we move on without lingering TOO long. Its not a full on play session, but just a momentary hello where not too much can go wrong.

It’s the same idea for us – as we start to work with our anxiety and expanding trust in ourselves (and others) more, we can start in to become curious about bringing bravery to more lower risk situations without getting in TOO deep.

What does this look like?

Lower Risk:

• Engaging in new situations that might cause you anxiety/social anxiety on days when you feel at least like YOUR version or normal – ie. Considering not going somewhere that’s highly anxiety provoking if you are just getting over the flu, just broke up with your partner, already had more than normal anxiety level day etc. UNLESS you know it will likely go very very well (high success chance)

• Knowing what feels personal and vulnerable for you, and only sharing what you feel comfortable sharing. For example, with your close friends you might feel a tolerable level of nervousness sharing a situation that caused you to feel an 8/10 level of hurt, distress or anxiety, in a new group of people, you might only share a 3/10 and let this grow over time.  This doesn’t mean hiding who you are necessarily, but just being aware and intentional about the parts of your personality, life and inner world you feel most at home with, and the pieces that feel more challenging and vulnerable to let others see.

• Some of us also might accidentally overshare when we are nervous or feeling vulnerable! You can also start to be aware of moments where you might want to share more than you’re actually comfortable with overall because it feels expected of you, or because you’re nervous and not thinking clearly. Being aware of these moments and course correcting might be helpful in avoiding a ‘vulnerability hangover’ later on.

Of course we can also have vulnerability hangovers regardless, but the focus here is actually on those of us who experience the challenge of somehow having less boundaries or share less authentically when we feel anxious or share only because we think we “should”.

Higher Chance of Success:

• Bringing a friend or a ‘buffer’

• Go places or with people that someone you trust vouched for

• Going for only an hour, or a short amount of time if you know your anxiety peaks after a certain amount of time

• Similarly, if you know it takes you an hour or so to ‘land’ or settle into a new situation, you can commit to going for at least that amount of time if all goes as it typically does

• Knowing a certain community has similar values as yourself etc.

• Giving yourself permission to leave, or share less of yourself if its not going quite as you hoped (and maybe even planning ahead for what that looks like)

Building stability over time

While scary, the reality is that being able to predict what every new dog will do (and how your puppy will react as well!) just isn’t likely to happen. Therefore, in time, the goal is to have enough positive interactions that not only will your dog learn to trust other dogs but maybe maybe maybe one day your dog feels safe and calm enough that when another dog has a challenging moment, your once fearful little pup, can let out a little whine and then just keep on walking.

Of course, feeling solid and safe in ourselves doesn’t happen over night – it takes time, and mishaps, and feeling judged or out oof place are bound to occur every once in awhile.

For those moments, here are some questions that might help to reground and reduce your anxiety.

1. What do I need to feel safe and secure in who I am right now just for 10 or 20 seconds?

2. If I was comforting a friend, or even a small child who was worrying about the same thing , what might I let them know (you’re loved , it’s okay to be imperfect, we are all human, we simply can’t be confident all the time)

3. Can I take a moment to be kind and understanding with the worry I am feeling rather than trying to fix it or make sure I … [didn’t say anything stupid, wasn’t judged etc.]

This is where some time with a counsellor or even with a close friend might be helpful.  In my ideal world, we could all face moments of rejection or judgment or simply not being someone’s cup of tea without making it mean that we aren’t good enough, a bad person, unlikable or not who we should be. This piece of the puzzle is an ongoing process for many of us, so above all, please be patient and kind with yourself as you build more faith and trust in who you are.

As you start to gain momentum and are taking more small risks – even something like walking weird down the street somewhere you aren’t likely to run into anyone can count!

Asking the following question can be helpful in assessing what situations might be okay to step it up a little and share something a little more personal.

“If this doesn’t go as I hope, will I still be okay?”

If the answer is yes – trudge on ahead, brave one! 

PS. Okay doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel crappy , but the knowledge that if it does feel challenging, it will likely be an amount of challenge, embarrassment, or fear that you know you can handle, and that won’t last forever (remember the example of the puppy whining – a little furball at that stage might be distracted for a few blocks, but eventually calm back down and not remember that dog forever). The key is having more and more positive experiences, even if small. As humans we have the extra skill of practicing being able to be kind and compassionate to ourselves during this process as well!

Connection is what heals.

While we do have the power to heal ourselves, most hurts and shames are born from imperfect connections with others, which is why connection can be so vital in healing these parts of us as well.

When we walk away from an interaction feeling understood, related to, or even when a chat with someone goes better than expected, that experience can take root in our hearts, our minds, and our bodies – just like the challenging ones can.  By giving ourselves these opportunities in small doses, we increase our chances for healing and feeling more at ease in the world…. one small (perhaps shy) smile at a time.

Warmly,
Morgan

Setting Intentions (and Dropping Resolutions) to Carry You Through The Year

Here’s a little nudge to set intentions focused on the process, rather than the progress you make….
Why? To lower the shame and high expectations, and turn instead towards a theme that can help carry you throughout the year.

Surprise, surprise, here we are in the last week of December, and a blog post rolls in on New Years… but I truly hope you find this one a little different, and inspiring in a new way.

As much as the Type A part of me has historically loved the concept of new years - a good reset, a chance to wipe the slate clean, and set tens of goals that have NO chance of being met - here I am to share a little nudge on how you might do things a bit differently this year (ideas gathered from Tik Tok, Instagram and incredible humans over the past couple years).

Part 1: Set ONE Intention for the entire year - and ditch the short term resolution and goals

Take a moment to consider where you are in life right now (I know, it’s a biggie).
Reflect and journal on what have been the milestones of the last year… what have you learned? Let go of? Asked for? What are you finding contributes to feeling more yourself, whole and healthy?

Then ask: What is the theme of the next step forward for you? What do you want more of in your life, and from yourself? What feels just out of reach? What would help you move towards being more yourself in your life?

This should be something you want to work on and cultivate in your life, and ideally an internal quality, process or even an emotion rather than something outside yourself, or something you could ‘succeed' at or ‘complete’, or finish

Here are some examples: Openness; Play, Pleasure; Kindness; Self Awareness

Why the shift? This way we open the door to a positively focused theme that we can’t fail at OR complete (and therefore also are less likely to give up on in the long term), and something we can come back to EACH MONTH that we can operationalize - or bring into reality - in many different ways.

Part 2: Grab a jar or box and a stack of post it sized papers and set them aside. Set a reminder for the end of each week (Friday, or Sunday evening).

At the end of each week, write down ONE moment or way the intention was alive for you this week, and put it in your container.

For example, if your intention was play, this could be something large, like going to a music festival, or as simple as playing fetch with your dog, laughing, or having a moment of carefree singing in the car.

This does NOT have to be anything big - just a simple action or moment. This helps us narrow in on whats ALREADY working, and bring attention to it (hopefully with appreciation), which strengthens the pathways in our brain around this experience, and ultimately helps us create more of these moments organically, rather than trying to force an idea of what SHOULD be happening.

Of course, after recording your moment you might also feel pulled to set an intention or goal for the following week, which is fine as well; but try not to create any ‘I must do xyz…’ expectations.

Part 3: At the end of the year, you will have 52 beautiful reminders of your intention to remind you of what’s working, what’s moving forward, and in line with the you that you are hoping to be in the world!

(Or perhaps less… I think I made it to about 30 this past year!)

Have fun with this, share with your friends/family/partners , as it can be an amazingly feel good process to share with another person.

Warmly,

Morgan

Click HERE to learn more about Morgan.
Morgan is not currently taking new clients, but you can click HERE to learn more about workshops and courses we have to offer, some of which are led by Morgan

Attachment 101

“I don’t want to get too attached”

…a phrase many of us have heard our friends, family members, or even ourselves say from time to time. But what does it really mean to attach to something or someone? What impacts how much – or how little – we become attached? Do these attachments impact us in significant ways? And is any of this even in our control? 

For decades now, people in the world of therapy have also had these questions, which has led to a huge amount of research dedicated to finding us answers.

Spoiler alert: many of these researchers have come to understand that attachment does matter, and very often does influence how we relate to others. Out of this understanding has come entire therapeutic modalities and techniques built around specific types of attachment and the impact they have on our relationships, beliefs, and mental wellbeing. 

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If right about now you’re wondering why no one specifically taught you attachment theory – something that I am now telling you is very important and impactful – then you’re not alone! You are welcome to join me on team “attachment theory should be taught in schools.” 

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But since this vital education has yet to make its way into the mainstream school curriculum…

…let’s back up a bit, and dive into Attachment 101: The Basics. 

In attachment theory, attachment refers to an emotional bond that connects you to another person. We have different levels and types of attachments with people based on our relationships to them, how well we know them, and the different ways we align with them.

When we talk about attachment styles we are talking about something a little bit more specific. As adults, we all have an attachment style that was developed mainly from birth to 5ish years of age. This attachment style was created by the bond we had with our primary caregiver (otherwise referred to as our attachment figure); the main person or people who took care of us when we were young.

Which general attachment style we ended up with depended on how safe we felt with our primary caregiver(s), how attuned they were to figuring out our needs (both physical and emotional), and how well they were able to meet those needs. 

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There are two main categories of attachment styles: secure and insecure. For those who generally felt safe and attuned to by their caregiver, and who had a caregiver who could meet their needs more often than not, they typically end up with a secure attachment.

Other individuals develop an insecure attachment. This can be caused by a number of things, such as: separation from their attachment figure; feeling unsafe in their environment or with their caregiver; feeling generally misunderstood by their caregiver; not getting their needs met often or at critical times; or experiencing any other traumatic events during childhood. This category of insecure attachment can be broken down further to three, differently presenting types: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. We will dive more into these another day – remember this is just 101, and entire books have been written on each of these styles.

The attachment style we develop from a young age often carries through into adulthood and can show up in our close and intimate relationships in a number of ways.

Sometimes we notice that we have unexpectedly strong reactions to specific things a friend or partner does (such as texting us back in a way that feels too slow or maybe too quick), or we can actually zoom out and observe broader relationship patterns that don’t make sense to us or we don’t want to continue (like noticing you are often romantically drawn to people who are emotionally distant). If this is the case for you, then it might be helpful to look more into attachment theory and how that might be showing up in your life. 

If you are recognizing that you MIGHT relate to the insecure side of attachment, there is good (and perhaps at times, confusing) news that I want to highlight! 

1. First of all, our attachment patterns are complex. For example, some of us grew up with different dynamics with our different caregivers – we might have had one parent we felt secure with, and one we didn’t. What this means is that our patterns of responding can also vary across relationships with different people in our adult lives as well; we aren’t always ‘insecure or secure’ by default in exact same way across people and time.

2. This brings me to my second point, that attachment styles are categories, not diagnoses. Professionally and personally, I find the different categories (secure, insecure – avoidant, anxious, disorganized) to be helpful in creating shared language to understand and communicate why we feel and react certain ways in certain types of relationships with certain people. What can be less helpful is when we then take these patterns that we sometimes exhibit and label it as part of our identity. Part of why this can be unhelpful is because…

3. Our attachment styles can change. We can heal from attachment ruptures we experienced when we were little, we can learn what we truly need in the moments we react strongly in our relationships, and we can begin to relate to those close to us in more secure ways.

In a future New Tides Newsletter, I’ll chat about the signs and characteristics of the different attachment styles throughout the lifespan. If you’re interested in looking into this sooner, I recommend you check out some of the resources I listed below as well as consider bringing your questions to one of our attachment-based therapists (aka any of the lovely therapists at New Tides). 

Therapists who work from an attachment-based perspective can help you understand your current attachment style(s), how it developed, how it shows up, and how to create environments and relationships where you can feel more securely attached. When we’re able to attach from a place of security, we often feel more attuned to our needs, connected in our intimate relationships, and confidently equipped to navigate interpersonal conflict. 

Chat soon, 

Courtney

Click HERE to learn more about Courtney, or to book a session with Courtney

Digestible ways you can learn more about attachment theory and the different styles: 

• Book: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep – love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• Instagram page: @thesecurerelationship

• Podcast: Let’s Talk Attachments with Jessica Da Silva (LMFT)

Articles used to inform this article: 

Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of oneyear-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41, 49-67.

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1973). The development of infant-mother attachment.

Review of child development research, 3,1-94. University of Chicago Press.

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1991). Attachments and other affectional bonds across the life cycle. 

Attachment across the life cycle, 33-51. Routledge.

Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the childs tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371.

McLeod, S. A. (2009). Attachment Theory. www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

Cultivating Self Compassion

If, upon reading this article title you noticed some dismissive thoughts arising; an eye roll; or a tightening in your belly, then let me begin by saying welcome!

You are in good company.

Self-compassion is an invitation to include ourselves amongst those we feel compassion for. While this may seem straightforward written out on this page, the experience of compassion involves recognizing suffering in ourselves and others, holding these experiences with gentleness and care, and recognizing that difficulty is part of the shared human experience – anything but simple!

The practice of self-compassion has a long history, with roots in Buddhist philosophy. Over the last few years, self-compassion has taken on particular relevance as we navigate individual and collective traumas such as the global pandemic, social injustice, and the climate crisis, to name but a few. This has left many of us with reduced access to community supports and resources in order to be with and process our suffering. Self-compassion invites us to bear witness to our pain, acknowledging this as a shared human experience and in doing so care for ourselves and help address our suffering in some way. 

While compassion is a deeply human experience, for many of us self-compassion can feel unfamiliar, inaccessible, or daunting. We may think self-compassion is a nice idea in theory, however struggle when it bumps up against the narratives we hold about the ways we ‘should’ be navigating the ups and downs of life.

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion has brought this concept into wider social consciousness, which has been transformational for many (myself included!) and yet, as we have seen with self-care, these terms can often become coopted by capitalism, leaving us unclear and frustrated about how these ideas can actually help us navigate the challenges we face.  

For many of us a practical exercise can be a starting place, a way to try on something new for size. What follows is an invitation first into the ‘what’ of self-compassion, followed by an exercise offering a way to practice the ‘how’ of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, identifies three pillars that makes up the foundation of self-compassion namely mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

While you can practice bringing these concepts into practice with the audio below, you can also use one, or all of them in every day life as you become more familiar with them.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgmentally bringing one’s attention to the present moment. In the context of self-compassion, a focus on mindfulness invites us to step into an observing relationship to ourselves, noticing the quality of our thoughts, emotions, as well as physical sensations in our bodies. We cannot offer ourselves compassion if we are simultaneously ignoring our pain, therefore being present with what is hard for us becomes an entry point into self-compassion. On the flip side, mindfulness also invites us to witness our difficulties without over-identifying with them, which helps us to be present with our experiences as opposed to re-experiencing them. For example, we might envision ourselves sitting on the bank of a stream, observing our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as leaves calmly floating by, noticing their presence without minimizing or over-identifying with them.

Common Humanity

This element of self-compassion aims to undo our aloneness by acknowledging that suffering is part of what makes us human. In viewing our vulnerabilities, mistakes, and pain as part of the shared human experience, we begin to dismantle the isolation that our full, messy, human selves can evoke when encountering hardship. Rather than an indication of otherness, our suffering can be viewed as what connects us to those around us.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness helps us to cultivate a warm understanding for the challenges we experience, rather than doubling down on our pain through self-judgement and harsh criticism. We acknowledge that the suffering we experience is enough and rather than adding onto it, we consider how might we tend to this hurt with a gentle, caring approach. For some of us, this may feel more natural when responding to the suffering of those around us; self-kindness is an invitation to include yourself into this circle of care.

Learning something new is courageous and I encourage you to offer yourself patience and kindness as you would to a loved one learning something new or encountering difficulty. It is also worth mentioning that the process of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others can put us in touch with some strong feelings. This is normal and expected and another great reason for finding a right sized examples to work with. This might look like being present with a corner of your difficult experience or bringing your focus to 5% of the pain, knowing that you get to set the pace for your practice.

Below is a practice grounded in the three principles of self-compassion, adapted from Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break Exercise.

Authored by: Camille Labonté Raymond, one of our registered clinical counsellors offering services in Vancouver BC.

Disclaimer: This audio and other mindfulness exercises provided are not intended to be used as a substitute for counselling or therapy. If you are experiencing ongoing or distressing anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation or are in any other form of distress, please seek the support of a Registered Clinical Counsellor or Psychologist.

Guilt Vs. Shame: How to Tell The Difference

Transcript:

Hello. I want to talk a little bit today about the difference between shame and guilt. I think this is a really important distinction that I often talk about with a lot of my clients and I just wanted to spend a few minutes sharing with you and talk about why that might actually be important. So when I think of shame and guilt the primary things I like to think about are basically that guilt is a functional emotion - I actually really like guilt.

Guilt lets us know that we've done something that's not in line with our values and it kind of says, "I've done something that's not great". Guilt says, "I've done a bad thing". Shame goes so much deeper. Shame tells us that we are bad. So guilt is I've done a bad thing and shame sounds like, "I'm actually a bad person at my core". So we might do something and instead of having a response of, "Oh crap i need to apologize or I probably shouldn't have done that"... I often use the the example of being caught gossiping or talking about someone - it can be like this sick feeling of "Oh I've gotten caught doing something that I shouldn't have done. If we do that and we have a shame response it's it's not separate!

The thing that we did and ourselves are not separate. We become not good enough or we feel wrong as a person. We feel fundamentally bad at our core and the shame response often comes with the impulse to hide, or the want to run away, or I don't want to be seen by anybody - I should go live in a hole essentially, and I think this is really important to notice in ourselves because when we have that shame response come up it's a little bit of a red flag that there's something else going on beyond what we actually did. Not too many of us are really bad at our core and even if we experience ourselves in that way - if we do a lot of things that aren't very good there's probably a really good reason that that's how we are, that that's how we came to be, but that's a topic for a different day. It's important because shame is a social construct.

Shame is not something we are just born with and and that we that we feel just from ourselves. Shame is brought about by learning that when we do something bad we are bad as an extension so if we experience a lot of responses in our childhood that sound like, "We don't do that", that's very it's very othering. It creates a lot of separation. It tells us that if we do something we are not part of - normally the family community, the family culture -we do something that we are excluded. If when we have feelings we overwhelm people, if we overwhelm parents, if we overwhelm other people, then we learn that we can't be ourselves, that we can't express ourselves. If we are met with a lack of forgiveness or if we watch a caregiver not be able to have compassion for themselves when they do poorly or if we grow up with a lot of really high value placed on success or perfectionism, if we don't watch our parents and our caregivers fail and be okay with failure or mistakes that can also elicit shame. There's so many pieces that can elicit shame but essentially what it boils down to is that we are met with not being accepted for who we are when we experience something that's difficult or when we make a mistake, and if on the flip side we are met with compassion and kindness and understanding when we make a mistake or when we fail or when we have an angry outburst, what happens is that we learn to separate our behavior from who we are and that's a really important piece. We learn to separate our behavior from who we are.

So we can throw our ice cream at someone, we hit someone in the face and if we are met with the sense of that isn't an okay thing to do but you're okay, I want to teach you how to do something different, you're still lovable you're still okay, your internal experience is valid even if you just threw an ice cream with someone's face and the behavior isn't okay and then we learn to be able to separate the thing from ourselves and then we learn to deal with guilt instead of shame.

So when shame pops up in our experience, when we get that feeling of we're not okay we're bad, I'm not good enough then that is really a red flag for us to look at something else going on inside of us other than that thing that we did it's an invitation to start bringing understanding and compassion to ourselves in a way that we might not have experienced in the past which I think is really beautiful and really important.

We talk a little bit about shame and guilt and a lot about how to deal with our internal reactions in my program The embodied Way Through Anxiety but here's just your tidbit for today - emails going off in the background reminding that I need to be somewhere else - thank you for listening along today. If you relate to this, if you have any questions about this please don't hesitate to pop a comment in in the space below, and if you want to learn a little bit more about anxiety and our nervous system there's a free download for you below - five ways to reduce anxiety by listening and connecting to our bodies. Feel free to take a peek at that and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.

Warmly,

Morgan

Journalling to Integrate COVID Challenges and Changes

It’s been a tough year - now a year plus - for us all. I feel it. Your neighbour feels it. It’s even likely your pet feels it (even though they are likely pretty happy you’ve been around so much). It’s likely you’ve been inundated by news stories, drained by countless COVID conversations and are SICK of many things pandemic related.

BUT - perhaps while you’ve talked circles around what’s happening, perhaps you haven’t processed the emotions related to the place you’ve found yourself in. Perhaps you’ve talked about the fear and frustration but haven’t looked at some of the positive changes that may have occurred (even if it only feels like 1%). Perhaps you’ve just felt stuck and unable to sort the effects of the past 12 plus months and just don’t know where to start.

I would like to offer you a little glimmer of assistance as you trudge along this path - in the form of a 10 day Journalling quest to help put pen to paper to document, sort and process how you’re doing right now.

Why Journalling?

It’s so easy to get stuck in our own thought process, feelings, and anxiety as they arise but not actually process our emotions, make meaning out of our experience or slooow down enough to hold compassionate space for ourselves.

Journalling can help:

• Know what to actually write about! While some of us are masters at free-writing, having journalling prompts can be so helpful in giving us a place to start

• Slow down and give designated time to our emotions, thoughts and experiences that we just can’t get when we are multi-tasking, scrolling or worried about where we have to be in a half hour…

• Expression of our internal world, which we often suppress or don’t give voice to!

• Creativity: while you’re journalling, add a creative flair if you like… write a poem, describe your experience using the five senses (touch, image, sound, taste, smell)

• Meaning making: you may not have really paused to realize why you’re experiencing what you are, how it makes sense or what lessons you’ve learned that you want to remember

• A good dose of nostalgia for later… while right now the last thing we probably want to do is focus on the pandemic we are in, you may one day want to look back on your experience. This will be in the history books, after all!

  Download your 10 day journal to explore your personal growth, express challenges, relationships with those around you, and how to move forward
  

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If you’re like me, you might need a little accountability to keep journalling, and it may be helpful to have someone to debrief with!

If you’re in Vancouver, you can also book a session with one of our counsellors to talk further about what this has brought up for you, share with a friend, or comment below with what you’ve learned.

How to Find a Counsellor in Vancouver: The Search for the Right Fit

Even as a mental health professional, the search for a new counsellor can be an extremely daunting one! Here are some questions, resources and food for thought as you are embarking on the next phase of growth in your life, or beginning to look at yourself in a new way for the first time!

Before You Begin

Before you begin looking online for a counsellor, there are a few things you may want to consider that may impact your search!

• Finances: How much are you willing to invest in your counselling process? If know you can only afford 5 sessions in the next 12 months, your counselling process will be different than if you are able to commit to counselling twice a month (or even once a month) for the next year or two.

• Insurance: with finances in mind, do you have insurance coverage? Look at your coverage details to confirm what type of counsellor is covered and how much (ie. RCC, CCC, RSW, Psychologist - this will help narrow your search).

• How deep do you want to go? Are you hoping to gain a few skills, really dig deep, or just see where counselling takes you? If you are hoping to work on childhood trauma, attachment/family of origin work, or complex trauma you will definitely want someone who is trauma informed and/or well versed in attachment theory and somatic (body based) counselling. This can be long-term and vulnerable work; finding the right person who you feel comfortable with can take take time, and the right fit is so important.

  • Note. Many counsellors focus either on short term counselling (tools/skills) or with deeper/long term work - it is helpful to ask about this to make sure you find a good match!

• Personality Fit:

  • Finding someone you are comfortable with, who you feel a personal ‘click’ with is, in my mind one of the MOST important aspects of finding a counsellor. Be on the lookout for this during your search and in your initial intake calls - which counsellors did you genuinely enjoy reading about or talking to?

  • When you think about the people you are most comfortable sharing with or taking guidance, what are they like? Quiet and patient? People with a large presence who give you permission to be your full messy self? Warm, nuturing mother like figures? This can help you assess how you feel when you meet with counsellors for the first time.

• Values and beliefs: Are there any important anchors in your life such as spirituality, animals, religion or do you absolutely love Brene Brown? Just as in any other relationship in life, sharing values or beliefs can be a wonderful anchor in the therapeutic relationship.

• Your Schedule: When you are available can rule out many counsellors and therapists. Including your availability in your initial call or email can save a lot of time.

  Where and How to Start Looking

• A wonderful way to connect with a counsellor can be to ask around your network - particularly with friends who you know have been through similar life experiences, face similar challenges, or who you have personality traits in common with!

• Here are some reputable websites that can help find a counsellor (in British Columbia, Canada), but if location is important to you, a Google or Google Maps search can be helpful as well - specificity will help if you already know what you’re looking for (Registered Clinical Counsellor for PTSD and somatic therapy) .

• BCACC : The British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors is the primary licensing body for Master’s level counsellors in British Columbia and a wonderful place to start in your search for a Registered Clinical Counsellor

• Counselling Match : Counselling Match is a wonderful place to start if you are not sure what type of therapy you are looking for, or if you would like to explore finding a counsellor based on personality. Their innovative matching system has both counsellors and clients fill out a personality profile and matches you to well suited counsellors who offer counselling for your specific challenges, or for in the modality you prefer. As a new company, Counselling Match is still growing, but as counsellor, I have found great fit in the clients I have worked with through this system.

• Psychology Today: One of the most widely used search tools for counsellors, Psychology Today can be an effective, but overwhelming resource for finding a counsellor/therapist. It can be a great resource for finding counsellors of a specific modality (ie. DBT, EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy), or for a specific population or age group, though it does not include all modalities or specialties. This is for those of you who wants to research as many options as possible.

• Counselling BC: Another rather straightforward search directory for counsellors in BC that also includes Psychologists and more specialized therapists (registered art therapy, music therapists etc.).

Questions to Ask Your Potential Counsellor

Many counsellors will offer a free 15 minute call or video call before booking your first session - call at least a few counsellors if you can! Pick and choose what questions feel most relevant for you.

• How do you view the change process in therapy?

  • This will help you get a sense of what their theory of change is and what therapy will focus on (i.e. cognitive work, mindfulness, compassion-focused, understanding your childhood etc.)

  • On a related note - what part(s) of the clients experience do you focus most on? The Body? Attachment history? Negative Beliefs?

• Do you have specific training and experience working with (issue you’re wanting to work on)

  • This may be surprising to know, but not all counsellors are trained equally, and many counsellors must seek extra training in working with issues such as trauma, disordered eating, addictions and more.

• What do sessions actually look like?

  • Are we processing emotion? Building compassion? Learning skills? Exploring body awareness in the present moment? Telling stories about trauma? This will give you as sense of their work, the speed they move and the general therapeutic process. While this may seem abstract at first, if you speak with a few counsellors or therapists, chances are you will begin to hear certain things that “click” for you personally more than others.

• Between sessions

  • Are you expected to do “homework” or readings? How do sessions flow from one week (or month) to the next?

• How do you handle “rupture and repair”?

  • Such an important (and potentially awkward!) topic! If you’re looking to do long term work with a counsellor, chances are you will feel stuck, angry or feel hurt by your counsellor! These “ruptures” in the therapeutic relationship are not only a normal part of the therapeutic process, but a great opportunity for exploration, change and growth, as often this shows up in other parts of our lives as well, and having a counsellor who is comfortable and skilled with the “repair” and growth process when difficult moments come up in counselling is essential.

What if It’s Not a Fit After All?

• I try to remember to encourage every client to let me know what is and isn’t working, and if at any point another therapist might seem like a better option. This is for several reasons!

  1. 1. Therapists are humans too! We may be paid for our time, but we do care, and when a client drops off of our radar suddenly we do worry about you.

  2. 2. Navigating what is working and not working can be an important part of the process - in part learning what works as a team, as well as navigating potential challenges that com up for you personally around asking and expressing what you need, which isn’t always as simple as it sounds.

• Just because you found someone who is not a great fit, or, an unfortunate experience in counselling does not mean that finding a good counsellor for you is hopeless. Of course it can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting to open up and be disappointed, but hopefully this does not mean missing out on the magic that occurs when you do find a counsellor you click with. Often this takes time and trial and error; several counsellors in our network have actually seen several different counsellors for different pieces of “work” over the years - keep in mind that your needs and preferences as a client can expand and grow over time!

Be patient with yourself in your search and give yourself permission to go slowly, especially in initial sessions or with counsellors you aren’t quite sure of yet. Even in a counselling relationship that is supposed to be a “safe space”, trust takes time to be build and for most of us must be earned.

Best of luck in your search, and please comment below if you have any questions or suggestions! A new post will come soon regarding different therapeutic modalities and lenses, which can be a confusing part of the search for a counsellor!

Warmly,

Morgan

Getting the Most Out of Online Counselling

With so many counsellors making the switch to online or video counselling recently, this switch can be jarring for clients (and for counsellors too!). Here are some quick tips to think about to make the most out of your sessions with your counsellor, especially if you initially wanted to stick to in person sessions but the wait became longer than expected!

Before Your Session

Setting Up Your Space

• If you can, choose a space where you feel most comfortable in your home. If you have a calm pet nearby you can have them in the room as well!

• Make sure you have what you need: Kleenex, a pad of paper and pen, headphones, your charging cord, any items that you find soothing (soft fabric, stress ball or smooth stones, essential oils etc.)

• Focus: Focus can be tricky when you’re in your own space. Leave your phone off to the side, close all your other windows, turn off your e-mail/Facebook notifications and if ask to be disturbed as little as possible if you’re sharing space with others.

• Internet: The higher quality the better! To improve your internet quality, you can restart your router before the session and turn off your phone or other devices connected to the internet while setting up as close to your router as possible, or plugging in with an ethernet cable. In my opinion this is the biggest determinant of online counselling working well for so many reasons!

Privacy and Confidentiality

• If possible, find a private space in your home

• if your space is less than soundproof, music, other sounds or fans in common areas can help maintain a sense of privacy

Transitioning In and Out of Sessions:

• It can be so difficult to transition between so many different activities in a singular space!

• My favourite way to start a session: either right before or at the beginning of your session, take a few moments to sit quietly, perhaps with your eyes closed, focusing on your breath or checking in on your internal world to see what’s happening in your body, emotions, thoughts etc.

• Transitioning out of a session: set aside at least 15 minutes after a session to transition back into the rest of your day. This could look like journalling, taking a walk, a short yoga class, listening to music or having creative time etc.

Body Awareness & Movements

• If your counsellor incorporates somatic work / body awareness into your counselling sessions, you may have to give your counsellor a bit of help communicating what’s happening in your body outside of the screen.

  • For example, you might notice that as you’re talking about your anxiety, or the day you had, that your foot starts to tap quickly. You might find it helpful to notice and mention this in passing to your counsellor as you’re continuing to chat.

• Similarly, if your internet connection is on the slower side, you may have to make it more clear whats happening in your face and upper body as well! For example you might let your counsellor know when your breath starts to slow, or when you feel your face light up or when you feel yourself slowing down or getting ‘heavier’.

Becoming more aware and communicating what’s happening in your body is all great practice for you as well!

Getting Creative

• If you’re having hard time making hour long online connections work, you may be able to explore other options with your counsellor. This may look like a ‘walk and talk’ session on the phone, a shorter 30 minute session to touch base and talk about coping, or even a video session in the car!

Permission

The transition to attending counselling online via video can be tough!

Let your counsellor know if you’re having a hard time, or if you have questions, or if you’re feeling anxious. All are totally normal things, but talking about it or doing some problem solving might be helpful.

Understanding Anger as the Tip of the Emotion Iceberg

So often when we feel angry or someone in our lives blows up at us, we may need to look beneath the surface to know what's really going on. Anger is most functional and makes the most sense when our survival is threatened. There are times when anger may bubble up to the surface, be warranted and make evolutionary sense. (ie. When we feel like our lives are at stake, when we need to assert a boundary or defend ourselves such as when someone physically threatens us or maybe even a squirrel steals our food).

In fact, anger is often in place to cover up or take the place a host of other emotions that accompany anger, which sometimes are more challenging or more vulnerable for us to feel. Typically, the more we suppress the emotions more closely connected to what happened, the more angry we will feel. Often, a 'primary' emotion will be our first reaction, but if it is difficult for us to feel, anger can come along and cover it up (to protect us!), sometimes before we even know it.

For example, if someone asks how you’re doing, or if you need help, support, sadness, or other vulnerable emotions might be difficult to land in, and anger might arise automatically rather than admitting how you really feel! You may also respond with anger if you’re expecting yourself to be doing just fine when you are indeed struggling. In these cases, your response might sound something like, “Of course I’m fine, stop bothering me”.

The reality is, it is way easier to become defensive or angry than face softer, more vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, sadness or disappointment. In the case above, perhaps feelings of doubt or embarrassment were hovering beneath the surface (particularly if something IS wrong or we DO really feel like we need help). This is more likely to happen if we are already feeling embarrassed or insecure with ourselves or in our relationship with others.

But unfortunately, anger may hinder our attempts to problem solve, connect with others, or engage in the emotional expression that we may need to feel better.

So if you would like to explore what's underneath, here are a few ideas:

1. STOP. Take a deep breath, count backwards from 5, or take a moment to press your feet into the ground and pay attention to what that feels like. (More grounding techniques here).

2. INQUIRE. "XZY happened and I was angry." Does it make sense to feel angry given what just happened (and yes, sometimes it may - or sometimes we may want it to!)? Is this actually about the person or situation you're presented with, or is it more about something else going on inside you? Does a boundary need to be set? Is this anger a call to action? And finally what other feelings are there besides anger, or underneath the anger?

3. BE COMPASSIONATE with yourself. Try to be compassionate towards the part of you that is angry. It probably is there for a reason, even if that reason is not currently in front of you, threatening you (ie. “ Of course I’m angry; anger was the most acceptable emotion in my family - when my parents were upset or sad, it always came out in fighting with each other. It makes sense that I lash out or feel tense when I feel vulnerable).

4. SHIFT YOUR FOCUS. Can you start to focus on the other emotion? Imagine pressing the pause button on anger, or pushing it to the side and focusing on whatever other emotions are there, even if just for a moment! Give this a little more time and space so that you can respond from a more authentic place. (More on this later!)

3 Part Grounding (Printable Tool)

This is one of my favourite go-to grounding exercises. We can always count on the following: our feet (or other parts of us) on the ground, our breath, and our own ability to expand and grow (literally and metaphorically). Try this for 3-5 breaths for each step!

Mindful tip - it helps to start practicing any mindfulness exercise when you're calm, then eventually applying it to more stressful/difficult situations.

click to print or save image to your phone or laptop for later!

To listen to a 5 minute audio version of this exercise, visit our resources section.

Regulation Toolbox for Anxiety, Trauma and Overwhelming Emotions

Bookmark this page to find automatically updated links to printable/saveable tools on grounding and emotion regulation techniques for managing anxiety, trauma triggers, low mood and more.

As with all things, each tool may take some time to test out! Try using ONE tool at a time for about a week or so - practice it once a day when you are feeling mildly distressed (a 3-4 / 10) to allow yourself time to get the hang of a new technique when you aren’t feeling too distressed.

Remember - this is not about finding a TON of ways to calm yourself, but a few that really work for you. Be patient while exploring what works for you - chances are you may really not like some of them, and that’s okay!

Please chat about what is working, and what is challenging with your counsellor.

PS. Did you know that we also have an audio section with grounding and mindfulness tools? This includes:

• A Calm Place Exercise (for those that love imagery and visualizations)

• A 5 Minute Grounding Exercise with breath (one of Morgan’s favourites!)

• A longer Body Scan Exercise to practice body awareness and relaxation

Square Breathing (Printable Tool)

We feel anxiety a LOT in our bodies - think of how your heart might race, or you hands might shake when you are nervous. So when we are feeling anxious, one common way to tackle how we are feeling is through our thoughts and using rational thinking, but it can also be powerful to calm ourselves using our body. When our body starts to relax, this in turn can shift difficult emotions and even make it easier to address the pesky thoughts we may have been having (if we even still are focused on them at all - they may have disappeared!)

Here is a quick breathing exercise for you to try called 4x4 or square or box breathing.

click to print or save image to your phone or laptop for later!

You may want to try this first when you are feeling calm to get the hang of it, then later on when you're starting to feel difficult emotions.

Sometimes it also helps to tie an image to the breath - for example a balloon blowing up as you inhale, and deflating as you exhale.

Resources for Coping with Anxiety, Trauma, Mood Swings and More During COVID-19

Hello there!

We hope you’re doing okay in this extended time of isolation and anxiety. Just a reminder that it is perfectly normal to feel a bit (or a lot) off kilter right now, and many of us need all the support we can get.

Here is a list of some of our favourite resources for you to connect with during this time - please feel free to add your own in the comments.

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COUNSELLING

We are still here to support you, but online! Just in case you weren't aware, if you are NOT in a place where finances or insurance can support counselling, many Vancouver counsellors are offering online counselling at the moment and some have reduced rates or sliding scales for clients affected loss of income related to COVID-19. You can check out our counsellors at www.newtides.ca - all are currently offering online counselling, or search an array of Registered Clinical Counsellors at https://bc-counsellors.org. Many insurance plans (including student plans) do cover Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCCs)

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Mindfulness and Grounding Resources on our website:

If you didn't already know, we have a tiny resource library on our website with the following....

• Calm Place Exercise: which you can use when you're feeling triggered, very anxious/stressed/depressed to break the cycle. This can be difficult for some of us... be patient and go easy on yourself!

• Grounding Exercise: designed to get you out of your head and into your body

• Body scan: great to build body awareness before sleep

Yoga:

• We are hoping to share some trauma informed yoga videos in the weeks to come, however, at this time, I'm happy to recommend:

• Yoga with Adriene - accessible, varied yoga and meditation practices for free on YouTube!

• If you have a regular yoga practice already and are looking to keep in up, or are interested in jumping right into a more active yoga practice, the Hot Box Yoga (Vancouver) offers free classes on their instagram live every morning at 10am

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Meditation and Mindfulness Apps:

• Insight Timer: many free and guided meditations form around the world

• Headspace: has a few free guided meditations in a very user friendly manner.

• Sam Harris's Waking Up App: a great progressive meditation program where science and spirituality meet. The app has a free into section, meditations that progress over time, and fun fact - if you email them they are happy to provide free paid services to people in need!

Free apps that promote mental health:

• Calm Harm app: not just for those that struggle with self harm, this app provides short and long activities based on what you need in the moment. This is an awesome place to start when we need something to lift our spirits/distract ourselves etc. and we don't know where to start!

• Stop, Breathe, Think: An app that prompts you to breathe and name emotions (research shows this on it's own is helpful!) and how you’re feeling physically before suggesting an activity (breathing, meditation or guided activities). Some of the voices of the meditation aren't my favourite, but its a great place to start with self-awareness of how you are even if you don't use the meditations.

• Mind Shift: A CBT based app that allows you to track how you're doing day to day, journal and explore behaviours that might help alleviate anxiety.

• Calm: Mediation and Sleep app (some paid options)

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Crisis Lines:

The Vancouver Crisis Centre is not just for those in crisis, but anyone who needs a friendly ear and a few words of support. We highly recommend connecting if you need some extra support, no matter what your situation. They offer:

• a chat line open from 12pm to 1am in BC (http://youthinbc.com)

• Distress Lines (Greater Vancouver: 604-872-3311)

• Suicide Lines (1-800-SUICIDE: 1-800-784-2433)

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Recommended on Instagram

• @Kelseymech : a great Victoria based counsellor and coach that has great and simple posts on anxiety, compassion, trauma ad more. She has a free webinar she recorded a few weeks ago on tools for emotional well-being during times of crisis (What a champ!)

• @traumaawarecare (Trauma Aware Care)Vancouver writers/trauma counsellors that do a beautiful job offering compassion, normalization and tools for trauma responses - so necessary in this time where uncertainty can bring up lots of old triggers and patterns!

Free online activities and feel goods (most are local!):

• Movement108, an amazing, small community-oriented fitness studio that has amazingly knowledgable and alignment based trainers is offering free online workouts at 7am and 4pm at

• Teachers of The Hot Box Yoga Vancouver are offering classes live at 10am every day

• Luminesque Dance, an amazing local dance company who encourages women of all ages and abilities to shine on stage is offering 7pm dance parties on instagram with one of their amazing teachers

• Audible.ca currently has more free titles available than usual to help us out!

• If you have a Vancouver Public Library Card, you can borrow books online at https://vpl.overdrive.com!

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What did I miss? Please let me know any amazing mental health resources, or free/accessible feel god classes or activities that can help us all out during this time of transition, change and uncertainty!