To Go or Not to Go: The Dilemma of Social Anxiety

If you experience social anxiety, it’s likely that at SOME point in the not so recent past, you’ve thought or spoken the following words, truly confused about what choice would feel better at the end of the day…

“Should I go? Or should I just stay home?”

The last few months, I have had a LOT of conversations about the experience of social anxiety: with my clients, with friends and family, and most recently as I spoken to people navigating hesitations and fears about joining a workshop I run that involves sharing with others in a larger group.

I get it – I’ve been there. After a long wait, the circle full of faces all turn towards you, listening. You’ve been diligently rehearsing the ‘right’ thing to share during the last six peoples’ monologues – somehow you failed to pay attention to what anyone else just said while also somehow simultaneously judging yourself for not coming up with what the guy two people to the left just shared. A few words pour out of your mouth, sounding not quite like you planned. Like clockwork, home in bed later that night, you have an epiphany about what you really should have said in that moment.

Sound familiar?

I teach yoga, I’m a counsellor, I run workshops, I’ve both facilitated and participated in a few very challenging groups and I still find myself less than enthused and comfortable when I have to share with a group of people, especially if its personal.

Of course it’s so undeniably awkward and contrived… in a society where it’s still challenging to really feel like we can trust our closest friends and relationships with how we feel, we often hide our worries and our insecurities even with the people who know us best.  While we have grown a lot as a society, as a counsellor, I know this is still true because of the sheer number of times a client has said to me, “No one else knows this about me, but…” Why on earth would we find digging deep to share our internal world with a group of strangers who we have NO idea what they could possibly be thinking of us a breeze, much less a delight?! Being truly at ease with this idea requires remarkable sturdiness and self-assuredness, and even then it’s not an experience many of us love, at least not the first few times.

(Have I convinced you that participating in one of our groups is a good idea yet?)

And yet… something in this process works for many people. I still return to situations where I share my heart and sometimes very vulnerable feelings in these oddly uncomfortable situations. I hear friends rave about the workshop they went to that was focused on just that – sharing with strangers. I watch people walk out of classes and workshops looking lighter, more connected and way less anxious than when they came in.

So what gives? And when do we know when to risk showing up to a potentially anxious situation, and when do we bow out, protecting ourselves from the potential horror or shame of being seen in a way that might not feel good?

It’s not a straightforward answer, but read on for a few pointers that might provide a little extra clarity.

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I want to pause for a moment, and state what might already be obvious: I’m using groups or workshops as an example, but the same concept and questions apply to other situations where social anxiety might rear its ugly head… parties, public speaking, networking events, meeting your partner’s close friends or family, family reunions, events combining multiple friend groups, performing… the list is endless.

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I’ve recently become an owner to an adorable but sometimes fearful puppy, so lately my explanations have used sweet little animal brains and behaviour as an example – I hate to break it to you, but underneath our fancy ability to use language and our incredibly intelligent minds, when it comes to the basics of fear, our brains aren’t so different!

Picture this. Over time a sweet little puppy who loved to play with other dogs slowly learned that not all dogs are as playful, cuddly and confident as we might. A few surprise dog fights or barking rallies later, your dog (who body and nervous system has an AMAZING capacity to remember and react to things that are scary – just like us) starts to bark, run away from, or cower at other many of the dogs you meet when they are out and about in the world.

This little dog is learning to be more and more sensitive to potential danger. This totally makes sense – puppies just wants to stay safe! It now knows that not all dogs are potential playmates, and the more challenging interactions occur with other dogs, the more sensitive, and fearful the dog will become (basically building more evidence that the fear is necessary). If you are training this dog, you could a) avoid ALL contact with other dogs , b) continue as if nothing were wrong or c) start to maximize positive interactions with other dogs, and minimize things escalating to a level where your dog has any good reason to be afraid!

Plot spoiler - the best option for your dog to become self assured around other dogs again is option C. Option A doesn’t give our little puppy ANY options to feel safe around other dogs in the long term, while option B will only enforce more fear, as once anxiety around a certain situation (other dogs) begins, every challenging interaction adds a bit more fear on top.

Just like our cute little example puppy, somewhere along the line, most of us have learned that some interactions leave us feeling afraid, cowering, emotionally spent, or even defensive and over time, for many of us, this fear has grown. Over time, knowing how to respond when the desire to skip out situations that make you feel anxious becomes more complicated, as it can be hard to know what might end up making you feel best at the end of the day.

The trick to walking out of a room or group situation feeling confident and more at ease (instead of feeling crappy about ourselves and less likely to return) is in picking situations where the risk is low, and success is likely, especially in the beginning, or if your anxiety is quite high. Just like dog training with option C above, a conversation for a different place, this is easier said than done, but here are some ideas to get you started if this is a new idea for you.

For our furry friend, low risk and high success might look like only playing with predictable dogs we know and love. For us this might look like choosing to share vulnerable feelings or fears only with others we know can trust, or only with those who are most likely to respond in a way that might feel good to us, so that a sense of safety can be rediscovered.

Then slowly as things start to go well, its likely we begin to feel a little bit more comfortable being more ourselves around a few close others. We can the start to experiment with reaching outside of our known bubble. For a puppy this might mean having a few moments of sniffing unknown dogs who look realllly friendly from afar, whose owners also have confirmed they will probably be up for a gentle meet and greet, then we move on without lingering TOO long. Its not a full on play session, but just a momentary hello where not too much can go wrong.

It’s the same idea for us – as we start to work with our anxiety and expanding trust in ourselves (and others) more, we can start in to become curious about bringing bravery to more lower risk situations without getting in TOO deep.

What does this look like?

Lower Risk:

• Engaging in new situations that might cause you anxiety/social anxiety on days when you feel at least like YOUR version or normal – ie. Considering not going somewhere that’s highly anxiety provoking if you are just getting over the flu, just broke up with your partner, already had more than normal anxiety level day etc. UNLESS you know it will likely go very very well (high success chance)

• Knowing what feels personal and vulnerable for you, and only sharing what you feel comfortable sharing. For example, with your close friends you might feel a tolerable level of nervousness sharing a situation that caused you to feel an 8/10 level of hurt, distress or anxiety, in a new group of people, you might only share a 3/10 and let this grow over time.  This doesn’t mean hiding who you are necessarily, but just being aware and intentional about the parts of your personality, life and inner world you feel most at home with, and the pieces that feel more challenging and vulnerable to let others see.

• Some of us also might accidentally overshare when we are nervous or feeling vulnerable! You can also start to be aware of moments where you might want to share more than you’re actually comfortable with overall because it feels expected of you, or because you’re nervous and not thinking clearly. Being aware of these moments and course correcting might be helpful in avoiding a ‘vulnerability hangover’ later on.

Of course we can also have vulnerability hangovers regardless, but the focus here is actually on those of us who experience the challenge of somehow having less boundaries or share less authentically when we feel anxious or share only because we think we “should”.

Higher Chance of Success:

• Bringing a friend or a ‘buffer’

• Go places or with people that someone you trust vouched for

• Going for only an hour, or a short amount of time if you know your anxiety peaks after a certain amount of time

• Similarly, if you know it takes you an hour or so to ‘land’ or settle into a new situation, you can commit to going for at least that amount of time if all goes as it typically does

• Knowing a certain community has similar values as yourself etc.

• Giving yourself permission to leave, or share less of yourself if its not going quite as you hoped (and maybe even planning ahead for what that looks like)

Building stability over time

While scary, the reality is that being able to predict what every new dog will do (and how your puppy will react as well!) just isn’t likely to happen. Therefore, in time, the goal is to have enough positive interactions that not only will your dog learn to trust other dogs but maybe maybe maybe one day your dog feels safe and calm enough that when another dog has a challenging moment, your once fearful little pup, can let out a little whine and then just keep on walking.

Of course, feeling solid and safe in ourselves doesn’t happen over night – it takes time, and mishaps, and feeling judged or out oof place are bound to occur every once in awhile.

For those moments, here are some questions that might help to reground and reduce your anxiety.

1. What do I need to feel safe and secure in who I am right now just for 10 or 20 seconds?

2. If I was comforting a friend, or even a small child who was worrying about the same thing , what might I let them know (you’re loved , it’s okay to be imperfect, we are all human, we simply can’t be confident all the time)

3. Can I take a moment to be kind and understanding with the worry I am feeling rather than trying to fix it or make sure I … [didn’t say anything stupid, wasn’t judged etc.]

This is where some time with a counsellor or even with a close friend might be helpful.  In my ideal world, we could all face moments of rejection or judgment or simply not being someone’s cup of tea without making it mean that we aren’t good enough, a bad person, unlikable or not who we should be. This piece of the puzzle is an ongoing process for many of us, so above all, please be patient and kind with yourself as you build more faith and trust in who you are.

As you start to gain momentum and are taking more small risks – even something like walking weird down the street somewhere you aren’t likely to run into anyone can count!

Asking the following question can be helpful in assessing what situations might be okay to step it up a little and share something a little more personal.

“If this doesn’t go as I hope, will I still be okay?”

If the answer is yes – trudge on ahead, brave one! 

PS. Okay doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel crappy , but the knowledge that if it does feel challenging, it will likely be an amount of challenge, embarrassment, or fear that you know you can handle, and that won’t last forever (remember the example of the puppy whining – a little furball at that stage might be distracted for a few blocks, but eventually calm back down and not remember that dog forever). The key is having more and more positive experiences, even if small. As humans we have the extra skill of practicing being able to be kind and compassionate to ourselves during this process as well!

Connection is what heals.

While we do have the power to heal ourselves, most hurts and shames are born from imperfect connections with others, which is why connection can be so vital in healing these parts of us as well.

When we walk away from an interaction feeling understood, related to, or even when a chat with someone goes better than expected, that experience can take root in our hearts, our minds, and our bodies – just like the challenging ones can.  By giving ourselves these opportunities in small doses, we increase our chances for healing and feeling more at ease in the world…. one small (perhaps shy) smile at a time.

Warmly,
Morgan

Cultivating Self Compassion

If, upon reading this article title you noticed some dismissive thoughts arising; an eye roll; or a tightening in your belly, then let me begin by saying welcome!

You are in good company.

Self-compassion is an invitation to include ourselves amongst those we feel compassion for. While this may seem straightforward written out on this page, the experience of compassion involves recognizing suffering in ourselves and others, holding these experiences with gentleness and care, and recognizing that difficulty is part of the shared human experience – anything but simple!

The practice of self-compassion has a long history, with roots in Buddhist philosophy. Over the last few years, self-compassion has taken on particular relevance as we navigate individual and collective traumas such as the global pandemic, social injustice, and the climate crisis, to name but a few. This has left many of us with reduced access to community supports and resources in order to be with and process our suffering. Self-compassion invites us to bear witness to our pain, acknowledging this as a shared human experience and in doing so care for ourselves and help address our suffering in some way. 

While compassion is a deeply human experience, for many of us self-compassion can feel unfamiliar, inaccessible, or daunting. We may think self-compassion is a nice idea in theory, however struggle when it bumps up against the narratives we hold about the ways we ‘should’ be navigating the ups and downs of life.

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion has brought this concept into wider social consciousness, which has been transformational for many (myself included!) and yet, as we have seen with self-care, these terms can often become coopted by capitalism, leaving us unclear and frustrated about how these ideas can actually help us navigate the challenges we face.  

For many of us a practical exercise can be a starting place, a way to try on something new for size. What follows is an invitation first into the ‘what’ of self-compassion, followed by an exercise offering a way to practice the ‘how’ of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, identifies three pillars that makes up the foundation of self-compassion namely mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

While you can practice bringing these concepts into practice with the audio below, you can also use one, or all of them in every day life as you become more familiar with them.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgmentally bringing one’s attention to the present moment. In the context of self-compassion, a focus on mindfulness invites us to step into an observing relationship to ourselves, noticing the quality of our thoughts, emotions, as well as physical sensations in our bodies. We cannot offer ourselves compassion if we are simultaneously ignoring our pain, therefore being present with what is hard for us becomes an entry point into self-compassion. On the flip side, mindfulness also invites us to witness our difficulties without over-identifying with them, which helps us to be present with our experiences as opposed to re-experiencing them. For example, we might envision ourselves sitting on the bank of a stream, observing our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as leaves calmly floating by, noticing their presence without minimizing or over-identifying with them.

Common Humanity

This element of self-compassion aims to undo our aloneness by acknowledging that suffering is part of what makes us human. In viewing our vulnerabilities, mistakes, and pain as part of the shared human experience, we begin to dismantle the isolation that our full, messy, human selves can evoke when encountering hardship. Rather than an indication of otherness, our suffering can be viewed as what connects us to those around us.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness helps us to cultivate a warm understanding for the challenges we experience, rather than doubling down on our pain through self-judgement and harsh criticism. We acknowledge that the suffering we experience is enough and rather than adding onto it, we consider how might we tend to this hurt with a gentle, caring approach. For some of us, this may feel more natural when responding to the suffering of those around us; self-kindness is an invitation to include yourself into this circle of care.

Learning something new is courageous and I encourage you to offer yourself patience and kindness as you would to a loved one learning something new or encountering difficulty. It is also worth mentioning that the process of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others can put us in touch with some strong feelings. This is normal and expected and another great reason for finding a right sized examples to work with. This might look like being present with a corner of your difficult experience or bringing your focus to 5% of the pain, knowing that you get to set the pace for your practice.

Below is a practice grounded in the three principles of self-compassion, adapted from Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break Exercise.

Authored by: Camille Labonté Raymond, one of our registered clinical counsellors offering services in Vancouver BC.

Disclaimer: This audio and other mindfulness exercises provided are not intended to be used as a substitute for counselling or therapy. If you are experiencing ongoing or distressing anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation or are in any other form of distress, please seek the support of a Registered Clinical Counsellor or Psychologist.

Guilt Vs. Shame: How to Tell The Difference

Transcript:

Hello. I want to talk a little bit today about the difference between shame and guilt. I think this is a really important distinction that I often talk about with a lot of my clients and I just wanted to spend a few minutes sharing with you and talk about why that might actually be important. So when I think of shame and guilt the primary things I like to think about are basically that guilt is a functional emotion - I actually really like guilt.

Guilt lets us know that we've done something that's not in line with our values and it kind of says, "I've done something that's not great". Guilt says, "I've done a bad thing". Shame goes so much deeper. Shame tells us that we are bad. So guilt is I've done a bad thing and shame sounds like, "I'm actually a bad person at my core". So we might do something and instead of having a response of, "Oh crap i need to apologize or I probably shouldn't have done that"... I often use the the example of being caught gossiping or talking about someone - it can be like this sick feeling of "Oh I've gotten caught doing something that I shouldn't have done. If we do that and we have a shame response it's it's not separate!

The thing that we did and ourselves are not separate. We become not good enough or we feel wrong as a person. We feel fundamentally bad at our core and the shame response often comes with the impulse to hide, or the want to run away, or I don't want to be seen by anybody - I should go live in a hole essentially, and I think this is really important to notice in ourselves because when we have that shame response come up it's a little bit of a red flag that there's something else going on beyond what we actually did. Not too many of us are really bad at our core and even if we experience ourselves in that way - if we do a lot of things that aren't very good there's probably a really good reason that that's how we are, that that's how we came to be, but that's a topic for a different day. It's important because shame is a social construct.

Shame is not something we are just born with and and that we that we feel just from ourselves. Shame is brought about by learning that when we do something bad we are bad as an extension so if we experience a lot of responses in our childhood that sound like, "We don't do that", that's very it's very othering. It creates a lot of separation. It tells us that if we do something we are not part of - normally the family community, the family culture -we do something that we are excluded. If when we have feelings we overwhelm people, if we overwhelm parents, if we overwhelm other people, then we learn that we can't be ourselves, that we can't express ourselves. If we are met with a lack of forgiveness or if we watch a caregiver not be able to have compassion for themselves when they do poorly or if we grow up with a lot of really high value placed on success or perfectionism, if we don't watch our parents and our caregivers fail and be okay with failure or mistakes that can also elicit shame. There's so many pieces that can elicit shame but essentially what it boils down to is that we are met with not being accepted for who we are when we experience something that's difficult or when we make a mistake, and if on the flip side we are met with compassion and kindness and understanding when we make a mistake or when we fail or when we have an angry outburst, what happens is that we learn to separate our behavior from who we are and that's a really important piece. We learn to separate our behavior from who we are.

So we can throw our ice cream at someone, we hit someone in the face and if we are met with the sense of that isn't an okay thing to do but you're okay, I want to teach you how to do something different, you're still lovable you're still okay, your internal experience is valid even if you just threw an ice cream with someone's face and the behavior isn't okay and then we learn to be able to separate the thing from ourselves and then we learn to deal with guilt instead of shame.

So when shame pops up in our experience, when we get that feeling of we're not okay we're bad, I'm not good enough then that is really a red flag for us to look at something else going on inside of us other than that thing that we did it's an invitation to start bringing understanding and compassion to ourselves in a way that we might not have experienced in the past which I think is really beautiful and really important.

We talk a little bit about shame and guilt and a lot about how to deal with our internal reactions in my program The embodied Way Through Anxiety but here's just your tidbit for today - emails going off in the background reminding that I need to be somewhere else - thank you for listening along today. If you relate to this, if you have any questions about this please don't hesitate to pop a comment in in the space below, and if you want to learn a little bit more about anxiety and our nervous system there's a free download for you below - five ways to reduce anxiety by listening and connecting to our bodies. Feel free to take a peek at that and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.

Warmly,

Morgan

How to Find a Counsellor in Vancouver: The Search for the Right Fit

Even as a mental health professional, the search for a new counsellor can be an extremely daunting one! Here are some questions, resources and food for thought as you are embarking on the next phase of growth in your life, or beginning to look at yourself in a new way for the first time!

Before You Begin

Before you begin looking online for a counsellor, there are a few things you may want to consider that may impact your search!

• Finances: How much are you willing to invest in your counselling process? If know you can only afford 5 sessions in the next 12 months, your counselling process will be different than if you are able to commit to counselling twice a month (or even once a month) for the next year or two.

• Insurance: with finances in mind, do you have insurance coverage? Look at your coverage details to confirm what type of counsellor is covered and how much (ie. RCC, CCC, RSW, Psychologist - this will help narrow your search).

• How deep do you want to go? Are you hoping to gain a few skills, really dig deep, or just see where counselling takes you? If you are hoping to work on childhood trauma, attachment/family of origin work, or complex trauma you will definitely want someone who is trauma informed and/or well versed in attachment theory and somatic (body based) counselling. This can be long-term and vulnerable work; finding the right person who you feel comfortable with can take take time, and the right fit is so important.

  • Note. Many counsellors focus either on short term counselling (tools/skills) or with deeper/long term work - it is helpful to ask about this to make sure you find a good match!

• Personality Fit:

  • Finding someone you are comfortable with, who you feel a personal ‘click’ with is, in my mind one of the MOST important aspects of finding a counsellor. Be on the lookout for this during your search and in your initial intake calls - which counsellors did you genuinely enjoy reading about or talking to?

  • When you think about the people you are most comfortable sharing with or taking guidance, what are they like? Quiet and patient? People with a large presence who give you permission to be your full messy self? Warm, nuturing mother like figures? This can help you assess how you feel when you meet with counsellors for the first time.

• Values and beliefs: Are there any important anchors in your life such as spirituality, animals, religion or do you absolutely love Brene Brown? Just as in any other relationship in life, sharing values or beliefs can be a wonderful anchor in the therapeutic relationship.

• Your Schedule: When you are available can rule out many counsellors and therapists. Including your availability in your initial call or email can save a lot of time.

  Where and How to Start Looking

• A wonderful way to connect with a counsellor can be to ask around your network - particularly with friends who you know have been through similar life experiences, face similar challenges, or who you have personality traits in common with!

• Here are some reputable websites that can help find a counsellor (in British Columbia, Canada), but if location is important to you, a Google or Google Maps search can be helpful as well - specificity will help if you already know what you’re looking for (Registered Clinical Counsellor for PTSD and somatic therapy) .

• BCACC : The British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors is the primary licensing body for Master’s level counsellors in British Columbia and a wonderful place to start in your search for a Registered Clinical Counsellor

• Counselling Match : Counselling Match is a wonderful place to start if you are not sure what type of therapy you are looking for, or if you would like to explore finding a counsellor based on personality. Their innovative matching system has both counsellors and clients fill out a personality profile and matches you to well suited counsellors who offer counselling for your specific challenges, or for in the modality you prefer. As a new company, Counselling Match is still growing, but as counsellor, I have found great fit in the clients I have worked with through this system.

• Psychology Today: One of the most widely used search tools for counsellors, Psychology Today can be an effective, but overwhelming resource for finding a counsellor/therapist. It can be a great resource for finding counsellors of a specific modality (ie. DBT, EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy), or for a specific population or age group, though it does not include all modalities or specialties. This is for those of you who wants to research as many options as possible.

• Counselling BC: Another rather straightforward search directory for counsellors in BC that also includes Psychologists and more specialized therapists (registered art therapy, music therapists etc.).

Questions to Ask Your Potential Counsellor

Many counsellors will offer a free 15 minute call or video call before booking your first session - call at least a few counsellors if you can! Pick and choose what questions feel most relevant for you.

• How do you view the change process in therapy?

  • This will help you get a sense of what their theory of change is and what therapy will focus on (i.e. cognitive work, mindfulness, compassion-focused, understanding your childhood etc.)

  • On a related note - what part(s) of the clients experience do you focus most on? The Body? Attachment history? Negative Beliefs?

• Do you have specific training and experience working with (issue you’re wanting to work on)

  • This may be surprising to know, but not all counsellors are trained equally, and many counsellors must seek extra training in working with issues such as trauma, disordered eating, addictions and more.

• What do sessions actually look like?

  • Are we processing emotion? Building compassion? Learning skills? Exploring body awareness in the present moment? Telling stories about trauma? This will give you as sense of their work, the speed they move and the general therapeutic process. While this may seem abstract at first, if you speak with a few counsellors or therapists, chances are you will begin to hear certain things that “click” for you personally more than others.

• Between sessions

  • Are you expected to do “homework” or readings? How do sessions flow from one week (or month) to the next?

• How do you handle “rupture and repair”?

  • Such an important (and potentially awkward!) topic! If you’re looking to do long term work with a counsellor, chances are you will feel stuck, angry or feel hurt by your counsellor! These “ruptures” in the therapeutic relationship are not only a normal part of the therapeutic process, but a great opportunity for exploration, change and growth, as often this shows up in other parts of our lives as well, and having a counsellor who is comfortable and skilled with the “repair” and growth process when difficult moments come up in counselling is essential.

What if It’s Not a Fit After All?

• I try to remember to encourage every client to let me know what is and isn’t working, and if at any point another therapist might seem like a better option. This is for several reasons!

  1. 1. Therapists are humans too! We may be paid for our time, but we do care, and when a client drops off of our radar suddenly we do worry about you.

  2. 2. Navigating what is working and not working can be an important part of the process - in part learning what works as a team, as well as navigating potential challenges that com up for you personally around asking and expressing what you need, which isn’t always as simple as it sounds.

• Just because you found someone who is not a great fit, or, an unfortunate experience in counselling does not mean that finding a good counsellor for you is hopeless. Of course it can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting to open up and be disappointed, but hopefully this does not mean missing out on the magic that occurs when you do find a counsellor you click with. Often this takes time and trial and error; several counsellors in our network have actually seen several different counsellors for different pieces of “work” over the years - keep in mind that your needs and preferences as a client can expand and grow over time!

Be patient with yourself in your search and give yourself permission to go slowly, especially in initial sessions or with counsellors you aren’t quite sure of yet. Even in a counselling relationship that is supposed to be a “safe space”, trust takes time to be build and for most of us must be earned.

Best of luck in your search, and please comment below if you have any questions or suggestions! A new post will come soon regarding different therapeutic modalities and lenses, which can be a confusing part of the search for a counsellor!

Warmly,

Morgan

3 Part Grounding (Printable Tool)

This is one of my favourite go-to grounding exercises. We can always count on the following: our feet (or other parts of us) on the ground, our breath, and our own ability to expand and grow (literally and metaphorically). Try this for 3-5 breaths for each step!

Mindful tip - it helps to start practicing any mindfulness exercise when you're calm, then eventually applying it to more stressful/difficult situations.

click to print or save image to your phone or laptop for later!

To listen to a 5 minute audio version of this exercise, visit our resources section.

Regulation Toolbox for Anxiety, Trauma and Overwhelming Emotions

Bookmark this page to find automatically updated links to printable/saveable tools on grounding and emotion regulation techniques for managing anxiety, trauma triggers, low mood and more.

As with all things, each tool may take some time to test out! Try using ONE tool at a time for about a week or so - practice it once a day when you are feeling mildly distressed (a 3-4 / 10) to allow yourself time to get the hang of a new technique when you aren’t feeling too distressed.

Remember - this is not about finding a TON of ways to calm yourself, but a few that really work for you. Be patient while exploring what works for you - chances are you may really not like some of them, and that’s okay!

Please chat about what is working, and what is challenging with your counsellor.

PS. Did you know that we also have an audio section with grounding and mindfulness tools? This includes:

• A Calm Place Exercise (for those that love imagery and visualizations)

• A 5 Minute Grounding Exercise with breath (one of Morgan’s favourites!)

• A longer Body Scan Exercise to practice body awareness and relaxation

Square Breathing (Printable Tool)

We feel anxiety a LOT in our bodies - think of how your heart might race, or you hands might shake when you are nervous. So when we are feeling anxious, one common way to tackle how we are feeling is through our thoughts and using rational thinking, but it can also be powerful to calm ourselves using our body. When our body starts to relax, this in turn can shift difficult emotions and even make it easier to address the pesky thoughts we may have been having (if we even still are focused on them at all - they may have disappeared!)

Here is a quick breathing exercise for you to try called 4x4 or square or box breathing.

click to print or save image to your phone or laptop for later!

You may want to try this first when you are feeling calm to get the hang of it, then later on when you're starting to feel difficult emotions.

Sometimes it also helps to tie an image to the breath - for example a balloon blowing up as you inhale, and deflating as you exhale.

Resources for Coping with Anxiety, Trauma, Mood Swings and More During COVID-19

Hello there!

We hope you’re doing okay in this extended time of isolation and anxiety. Just a reminder that it is perfectly normal to feel a bit (or a lot) off kilter right now, and many of us need all the support we can get.

Here is a list of some of our favourite resources for you to connect with during this time - please feel free to add your own in the comments.

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COUNSELLING

We are still here to support you, but online! Just in case you weren't aware, if you are NOT in a place where finances or insurance can support counselling, many Vancouver counsellors are offering online counselling at the moment and some have reduced rates or sliding scales for clients affected loss of income related to COVID-19. You can check out our counsellors at www.newtides.ca - all are currently offering online counselling, or search an array of Registered Clinical Counsellors at https://bc-counsellors.org. Many insurance plans (including student plans) do cover Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCCs)

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Mindfulness and Grounding Resources on our website:

If you didn't already know, we have a tiny resource library on our website with the following....

• Calm Place Exercise: which you can use when you're feeling triggered, very anxious/stressed/depressed to break the cycle. This can be difficult for some of us... be patient and go easy on yourself!

• Grounding Exercise: designed to get you out of your head and into your body

• Body scan: great to build body awareness before sleep

Yoga:

• We are hoping to share some trauma informed yoga videos in the weeks to come, however, at this time, I'm happy to recommend:

• Yoga with Adriene - accessible, varied yoga and meditation practices for free on YouTube!

• If you have a regular yoga practice already and are looking to keep in up, or are interested in jumping right into a more active yoga practice, the Hot Box Yoga (Vancouver) offers free classes on their instagram live every morning at 10am

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Meditation and Mindfulness Apps:

• Insight Timer: many free and guided meditations form around the world

• Headspace: has a few free guided meditations in a very user friendly manner.

• Sam Harris's Waking Up App: a great progressive meditation program where science and spirituality meet. The app has a free into section, meditations that progress over time, and fun fact - if you email them they are happy to provide free paid services to people in need!

Free apps that promote mental health:

• Calm Harm app: not just for those that struggle with self harm, this app provides short and long activities based on what you need in the moment. This is an awesome place to start when we need something to lift our spirits/distract ourselves etc. and we don't know where to start!

• Stop, Breathe, Think: An app that prompts you to breathe and name emotions (research shows this on it's own is helpful!) and how you’re feeling physically before suggesting an activity (breathing, meditation or guided activities). Some of the voices of the meditation aren't my favourite, but its a great place to start with self-awareness of how you are even if you don't use the meditations.

• Mind Shift: A CBT based app that allows you to track how you're doing day to day, journal and explore behaviours that might help alleviate anxiety.

• Calm: Mediation and Sleep app (some paid options)

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Crisis Lines:

The Vancouver Crisis Centre is not just for those in crisis, but anyone who needs a friendly ear and a few words of support. We highly recommend connecting if you need some extra support, no matter what your situation. They offer:

• a chat line open from 12pm to 1am in BC (http://youthinbc.com)

• Distress Lines (Greater Vancouver: 604-872-3311)

• Suicide Lines (1-800-SUICIDE: 1-800-784-2433)

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Recommended on Instagram

• @Kelseymech : a great Victoria based counsellor and coach that has great and simple posts on anxiety, compassion, trauma ad more. She has a free webinar she recorded a few weeks ago on tools for emotional well-being during times of crisis (What a champ!)

• @traumaawarecare (Trauma Aware Care)Vancouver writers/trauma counsellors that do a beautiful job offering compassion, normalization and tools for trauma responses - so necessary in this time where uncertainty can bring up lots of old triggers and patterns!

Free online activities and feel goods (most are local!):

• Movement108, an amazing, small community-oriented fitness studio that has amazingly knowledgable and alignment based trainers is offering free online workouts at 7am and 4pm at

• Teachers of The Hot Box Yoga Vancouver are offering classes live at 10am every day

• Luminesque Dance, an amazing local dance company who encourages women of all ages and abilities to shine on stage is offering 7pm dance parties on instagram with one of their amazing teachers

• Audible.ca currently has more free titles available than usual to help us out!

• If you have a Vancouver Public Library Card, you can borrow books online at https://vpl.overdrive.com!

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What did I miss? Please let me know any amazing mental health resources, or free/accessible feel god classes or activities that can help us all out during this time of transition, change and uncertainty!