Cultivating Self Compassion

If, upon reading this article title you noticed some dismissive thoughts arising; an eye roll; or a tightening in your belly, then let me begin by saying welcome!

You are in good company.

Self-compassion is an invitation to include ourselves amongst those we feel compassion for. While this may seem straightforward written out on this page, the experience of compassion involves recognizing suffering in ourselves and others, holding these experiences with gentleness and care, and recognizing that difficulty is part of the shared human experience – anything but simple!

The practice of self-compassion has a long history, with roots in Buddhist philosophy. Over the last few years, self-compassion has taken on particular relevance as we navigate individual and collective traumas such as the global pandemic, social injustice, and the climate crisis, to name but a few. This has left many of us with reduced access to community supports and resources in order to be with and process our suffering. Self-compassion invites us to bear witness to our pain, acknowledging this as a shared human experience and in doing so care for ourselves and help address our suffering in some way. 

While compassion is a deeply human experience, for many of us self-compassion can feel unfamiliar, inaccessible, or daunting. We may think self-compassion is a nice idea in theory, however struggle when it bumps up against the narratives we hold about the ways we ‘should’ be navigating the ups and downs of life.

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion has brought this concept into wider social consciousness, which has been transformational for many (myself included!) and yet, as we have seen with self-care, these terms can often become coopted by capitalism, leaving us unclear and frustrated about how these ideas can actually help us navigate the challenges we face.  

For many of us a practical exercise can be a starting place, a way to try on something new for size. What follows is an invitation first into the ‘what’ of self-compassion, followed by an exercise offering a way to practice the ‘how’ of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, identifies three pillars that makes up the foundation of self-compassion namely mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

While you can practice bringing these concepts into practice with the audio below, you can also use one, or all of them in every day life as you become more familiar with them.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgmentally bringing one’s attention to the present moment. In the context of self-compassion, a focus on mindfulness invites us to step into an observing relationship to ourselves, noticing the quality of our thoughts, emotions, as well as physical sensations in our bodies. We cannot offer ourselves compassion if we are simultaneously ignoring our pain, therefore being present with what is hard for us becomes an entry point into self-compassion. On the flip side, mindfulness also invites us to witness our difficulties without over-identifying with them, which helps us to be present with our experiences as opposed to re-experiencing them. For example, we might envision ourselves sitting on the bank of a stream, observing our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as leaves calmly floating by, noticing their presence without minimizing or over-identifying with them.

Common Humanity

This element of self-compassion aims to undo our aloneness by acknowledging that suffering is part of what makes us human. In viewing our vulnerabilities, mistakes, and pain as part of the shared human experience, we begin to dismantle the isolation that our full, messy, human selves can evoke when encountering hardship. Rather than an indication of otherness, our suffering can be viewed as what connects us to those around us.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness helps us to cultivate a warm understanding for the challenges we experience, rather than doubling down on our pain through self-judgement and harsh criticism. We acknowledge that the suffering we experience is enough and rather than adding onto it, we consider how might we tend to this hurt with a gentle, caring approach. For some of us, this may feel more natural when responding to the suffering of those around us; self-kindness is an invitation to include yourself into this circle of care.

Learning something new is courageous and I encourage you to offer yourself patience and kindness as you would to a loved one learning something new or encountering difficulty. It is also worth mentioning that the process of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others can put us in touch with some strong feelings. This is normal and expected and another great reason for finding a right sized examples to work with. This might look like being present with a corner of your difficult experience or bringing your focus to 5% of the pain, knowing that you get to set the pace for your practice.

Below is a practice grounded in the three principles of self-compassion, adapted from Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break Exercise.

Authored by: Camille Labonté Raymond, one of our registered clinical counsellors offering services in Vancouver BC.

Disclaimer: This audio and other mindfulness exercises provided are not intended to be used as a substitute for counselling or therapy. If you are experiencing ongoing or distressing anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation or are in any other form of distress, please seek the support of a Registered Clinical Counsellor or Psychologist.

How to Find a Counsellor in Vancouver: The Search for the Right Fit

Even as a mental health professional, the search for a new counsellor can be an extremely daunting one! Here are some questions, resources and food for thought as you are embarking on the next phase of growth in your life, or beginning to look at yourself in a new way for the first time!

Before You Begin

Before you begin looking online for a counsellor, there are a few things you may want to consider that may impact your search!

• Finances: How much are you willing to invest in your counselling process? If know you can only afford 5 sessions in the next 12 months, your counselling process will be different than if you are able to commit to counselling twice a month (or even once a month) for the next year or two.

• Insurance: with finances in mind, do you have insurance coverage? Look at your coverage details to confirm what type of counsellor is covered and how much (ie. RCC, CCC, RSW, Psychologist - this will help narrow your search).

• How deep do you want to go? Are you hoping to gain a few skills, really dig deep, or just see where counselling takes you? If you are hoping to work on childhood trauma, attachment/family of origin work, or complex trauma you will definitely want someone who is trauma informed and/or well versed in attachment theory and somatic (body based) counselling. This can be long-term and vulnerable work; finding the right person who you feel comfortable with can take take time, and the right fit is so important.

  • Note. Many counsellors focus either on short term counselling (tools/skills) or with deeper/long term work - it is helpful to ask about this to make sure you find a good match!

• Personality Fit:

  • Finding someone you are comfortable with, who you feel a personal ‘click’ with is, in my mind one of the MOST important aspects of finding a counsellor. Be on the lookout for this during your search and in your initial intake calls - which counsellors did you genuinely enjoy reading about or talking to?

  • When you think about the people you are most comfortable sharing with or taking guidance, what are they like? Quiet and patient? People with a large presence who give you permission to be your full messy self? Warm, nuturing mother like figures? This can help you assess how you feel when you meet with counsellors for the first time.

• Values and beliefs: Are there any important anchors in your life such as spirituality, animals, religion or do you absolutely love Brene Brown? Just as in any other relationship in life, sharing values or beliefs can be a wonderful anchor in the therapeutic relationship.

• Your Schedule: When you are available can rule out many counsellors and therapists. Including your availability in your initial call or email can save a lot of time.

  Where and How to Start Looking

• A wonderful way to connect with a counsellor can be to ask around your network - particularly with friends who you know have been through similar life experiences, face similar challenges, or who you have personality traits in common with!

• Here are some reputable websites that can help find a counsellor (in British Columbia, Canada), but if location is important to you, a Google or Google Maps search can be helpful as well - specificity will help if you already know what you’re looking for (Registered Clinical Counsellor for PTSD and somatic therapy) .

• BCACC : The British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors is the primary licensing body for Master’s level counsellors in British Columbia and a wonderful place to start in your search for a Registered Clinical Counsellor

• Counselling Match : Counselling Match is a wonderful place to start if you are not sure what type of therapy you are looking for, or if you would like to explore finding a counsellor based on personality. Their innovative matching system has both counsellors and clients fill out a personality profile and matches you to well suited counsellors who offer counselling for your specific challenges, or for in the modality you prefer. As a new company, Counselling Match is still growing, but as counsellor, I have found great fit in the clients I have worked with through this system.

• Psychology Today: One of the most widely used search tools for counsellors, Psychology Today can be an effective, but overwhelming resource for finding a counsellor/therapist. It can be a great resource for finding counsellors of a specific modality (ie. DBT, EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy), or for a specific population or age group, though it does not include all modalities or specialties. This is for those of you who wants to research as many options as possible.

• Counselling BC: Another rather straightforward search directory for counsellors in BC that also includes Psychologists and more specialized therapists (registered art therapy, music therapists etc.).

Questions to Ask Your Potential Counsellor

Many counsellors will offer a free 15 minute call or video call before booking your first session - call at least a few counsellors if you can! Pick and choose what questions feel most relevant for you.

• How do you view the change process in therapy?

  • This will help you get a sense of what their theory of change is and what therapy will focus on (i.e. cognitive work, mindfulness, compassion-focused, understanding your childhood etc.)

  • On a related note - what part(s) of the clients experience do you focus most on? The Body? Attachment history? Negative Beliefs?

• Do you have specific training and experience working with (issue you’re wanting to work on)

  • This may be surprising to know, but not all counsellors are trained equally, and many counsellors must seek extra training in working with issues such as trauma, disordered eating, addictions and more.

• What do sessions actually look like?

  • Are we processing emotion? Building compassion? Learning skills? Exploring body awareness in the present moment? Telling stories about trauma? This will give you as sense of their work, the speed they move and the general therapeutic process. While this may seem abstract at first, if you speak with a few counsellors or therapists, chances are you will begin to hear certain things that “click” for you personally more than others.

• Between sessions

  • Are you expected to do “homework” or readings? How do sessions flow from one week (or month) to the next?

• How do you handle “rupture and repair”?

  • Such an important (and potentially awkward!) topic! If you’re looking to do long term work with a counsellor, chances are you will feel stuck, angry or feel hurt by your counsellor! These “ruptures” in the therapeutic relationship are not only a normal part of the therapeutic process, but a great opportunity for exploration, change and growth, as often this shows up in other parts of our lives as well, and having a counsellor who is comfortable and skilled with the “repair” and growth process when difficult moments come up in counselling is essential.

What if It’s Not a Fit After All?

• I try to remember to encourage every client to let me know what is and isn’t working, and if at any point another therapist might seem like a better option. This is for several reasons!

  1. 1. Therapists are humans too! We may be paid for our time, but we do care, and when a client drops off of our radar suddenly we do worry about you.

  2. 2. Navigating what is working and not working can be an important part of the process - in part learning what works as a team, as well as navigating potential challenges that com up for you personally around asking and expressing what you need, which isn’t always as simple as it sounds.

• Just because you found someone who is not a great fit, or, an unfortunate experience in counselling does not mean that finding a good counsellor for you is hopeless. Of course it can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting to open up and be disappointed, but hopefully this does not mean missing out on the magic that occurs when you do find a counsellor you click with. Often this takes time and trial and error; several counsellors in our network have actually seen several different counsellors for different pieces of “work” over the years - keep in mind that your needs and preferences as a client can expand and grow over time!

Be patient with yourself in your search and give yourself permission to go slowly, especially in initial sessions or with counsellors you aren’t quite sure of yet. Even in a counselling relationship that is supposed to be a “safe space”, trust takes time to be build and for most of us must be earned.

Best of luck in your search, and please comment below if you have any questions or suggestions! A new post will come soon regarding different therapeutic modalities and lenses, which can be a confusing part of the search for a counsellor!

Warmly,

Morgan

Understanding Anger as the Tip of the Emotion Iceberg

So often when we feel angry or someone in our lives blows up at us, we may need to look beneath the surface to know what's really going on. Anger is most functional and makes the most sense when our survival is threatened. There are times when anger may bubble up to the surface, be warranted and make evolutionary sense. (ie. When we feel like our lives are at stake, when we need to assert a boundary or defend ourselves such as when someone physically threatens us or maybe even a squirrel steals our food).

In fact, anger is often in place to cover up or take the place a host of other emotions that accompany anger, which sometimes are more challenging or more vulnerable for us to feel. Typically, the more we suppress the emotions more closely connected to what happened, the more angry we will feel. Often, a 'primary' emotion will be our first reaction, but if it is difficult for us to feel, anger can come along and cover it up (to protect us!), sometimes before we even know it.

For example, if someone asks how you’re doing, or if you need help, support, sadness, or other vulnerable emotions might be difficult to land in, and anger might arise automatically rather than admitting how you really feel! You may also respond with anger if you’re expecting yourself to be doing just fine when you are indeed struggling. In these cases, your response might sound something like, “Of course I’m fine, stop bothering me”.

The reality is, it is way easier to become defensive or angry than face softer, more vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, sadness or disappointment. In the case above, perhaps feelings of doubt or embarrassment were hovering beneath the surface (particularly if something IS wrong or we DO really feel like we need help). This is more likely to happen if we are already feeling embarrassed or insecure with ourselves or in our relationship with others.

But unfortunately, anger may hinder our attempts to problem solve, connect with others, or engage in the emotional expression that we may need to feel better.

So if you would like to explore what's underneath, here are a few ideas:

1. STOP. Take a deep breath, count backwards from 5, or take a moment to press your feet into the ground and pay attention to what that feels like. (More grounding techniques here).

2. INQUIRE. "XZY happened and I was angry." Does it make sense to feel angry given what just happened (and yes, sometimes it may - or sometimes we may want it to!)? Is this actually about the person or situation you're presented with, or is it more about something else going on inside you? Does a boundary need to be set? Is this anger a call to action? And finally what other feelings are there besides anger, or underneath the anger?

3. BE COMPASSIONATE with yourself. Try to be compassionate towards the part of you that is angry. It probably is there for a reason, even if that reason is not currently in front of you, threatening you (ie. “ Of course I’m angry; anger was the most acceptable emotion in my family - when my parents were upset or sad, it always came out in fighting with each other. It makes sense that I lash out or feel tense when I feel vulnerable).

4. SHIFT YOUR FOCUS. Can you start to focus on the other emotion? Imagine pressing the pause button on anger, or pushing it to the side and focusing on whatever other emotions are there, even if just for a moment! Give this a little more time and space so that you can respond from a more authentic place. (More on this later!)

Regulation Toolbox for Anxiety, Trauma and Overwhelming Emotions

Bookmark this page to find automatically updated links to printable/saveable tools on grounding and emotion regulation techniques for managing anxiety, trauma triggers, low mood and more.

As with all things, each tool may take some time to test out! Try using ONE tool at a time for about a week or so - practice it once a day when you are feeling mildly distressed (a 3-4 / 10) to allow yourself time to get the hang of a new technique when you aren’t feeling too distressed.

Remember - this is not about finding a TON of ways to calm yourself, but a few that really work for you. Be patient while exploring what works for you - chances are you may really not like some of them, and that’s okay!

Please chat about what is working, and what is challenging with your counsellor.

PS. Did you know that we also have an audio section with grounding and mindfulness tools? This includes:

• A Calm Place Exercise (for those that love imagery and visualizations)

• A 5 Minute Grounding Exercise with breath (one of Morgan’s favourites!)

• A longer Body Scan Exercise to practice body awareness and relaxation

Square Breathing (Printable Tool)

We feel anxiety a LOT in our bodies - think of how your heart might race, or you hands might shake when you are nervous. So when we are feeling anxious, one common way to tackle how we are feeling is through our thoughts and using rational thinking, but it can also be powerful to calm ourselves using our body. When our body starts to relax, this in turn can shift difficult emotions and even make it easier to address the pesky thoughts we may have been having (if we even still are focused on them at all - they may have disappeared!)

Here is a quick breathing exercise for you to try called 4x4 or square or box breathing.

click to print or save image to your phone or laptop for later!

You may want to try this first when you are feeling calm to get the hang of it, then later on when you're starting to feel difficult emotions.

Sometimes it also helps to tie an image to the breath - for example a balloon blowing up as you inhale, and deflating as you exhale.

Resources for Coping with Anxiety, Trauma, Mood Swings and More During COVID-19

Hello there!

We hope you’re doing okay in this extended time of isolation and anxiety. Just a reminder that it is perfectly normal to feel a bit (or a lot) off kilter right now, and many of us need all the support we can get.

Here is a list of some of our favourite resources for you to connect with during this time - please feel free to add your own in the comments.

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COUNSELLING

We are still here to support you, but online! Just in case you weren't aware, if you are NOT in a place where finances or insurance can support counselling, many Vancouver counsellors are offering online counselling at the moment and some have reduced rates or sliding scales for clients affected loss of income related to COVID-19. You can check out our counsellors at www.newtides.ca - all are currently offering online counselling, or search an array of Registered Clinical Counsellors at https://bc-counsellors.org. Many insurance plans (including student plans) do cover Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCCs)

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Mindfulness and Grounding Resources on our website:

If you didn't already know, we have a tiny resource library on our website with the following....

• Calm Place Exercise: which you can use when you're feeling triggered, very anxious/stressed/depressed to break the cycle. This can be difficult for some of us... be patient and go easy on yourself!

• Grounding Exercise: designed to get you out of your head and into your body

• Body scan: great to build body awareness before sleep

Yoga:

• We are hoping to share some trauma informed yoga videos in the weeks to come, however, at this time, I'm happy to recommend:

• Yoga with Adriene - accessible, varied yoga and meditation practices for free on YouTube!

• If you have a regular yoga practice already and are looking to keep in up, or are interested in jumping right into a more active yoga practice, the Hot Box Yoga (Vancouver) offers free classes on their instagram live every morning at 10am

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Meditation and Mindfulness Apps:

• Insight Timer: many free and guided meditations form around the world

• Headspace: has a few free guided meditations in a very user friendly manner.

• Sam Harris's Waking Up App: a great progressive meditation program where science and spirituality meet. The app has a free into section, meditations that progress over time, and fun fact - if you email them they are happy to provide free paid services to people in need!

Free apps that promote mental health:

• Calm Harm app: not just for those that struggle with self harm, this app provides short and long activities based on what you need in the moment. This is an awesome place to start when we need something to lift our spirits/distract ourselves etc. and we don't know where to start!

• Stop, Breathe, Think: An app that prompts you to breathe and name emotions (research shows this on it's own is helpful!) and how you’re feeling physically before suggesting an activity (breathing, meditation or guided activities). Some of the voices of the meditation aren't my favourite, but its a great place to start with self-awareness of how you are even if you don't use the meditations.

• Mind Shift: A CBT based app that allows you to track how you're doing day to day, journal and explore behaviours that might help alleviate anxiety.

• Calm: Mediation and Sleep app (some paid options)

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Crisis Lines:

The Vancouver Crisis Centre is not just for those in crisis, but anyone who needs a friendly ear and a few words of support. We highly recommend connecting if you need some extra support, no matter what your situation. They offer:

• a chat line open from 12pm to 1am in BC (http://youthinbc.com)

• Distress Lines (Greater Vancouver: 604-872-3311)

• Suicide Lines (1-800-SUICIDE: 1-800-784-2433)

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Recommended on Instagram

• @Kelseymech : a great Victoria based counsellor and coach that has great and simple posts on anxiety, compassion, trauma ad more. She has a free webinar she recorded a few weeks ago on tools for emotional well-being during times of crisis (What a champ!)

• @traumaawarecare (Trauma Aware Care)Vancouver writers/trauma counsellors that do a beautiful job offering compassion, normalization and tools for trauma responses - so necessary in this time where uncertainty can bring up lots of old triggers and patterns!

Free online activities and feel goods (most are local!):

• Movement108, an amazing, small community-oriented fitness studio that has amazingly knowledgable and alignment based trainers is offering free online workouts at 7am and 4pm at

• Teachers of The Hot Box Yoga Vancouver are offering classes live at 10am every day

• Luminesque Dance, an amazing local dance company who encourages women of all ages and abilities to shine on stage is offering 7pm dance parties on instagram with one of their amazing teachers

• Audible.ca currently has more free titles available than usual to help us out!

• If you have a Vancouver Public Library Card, you can borrow books online at https://vpl.overdrive.com!

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What did I miss? Please let me know any amazing mental health resources, or free/accessible feel god classes or activities that can help us all out during this time of transition, change and uncertainty!