Attachment 101

“I don’t want to get too attached”

…a phrase many of us have heard our friends, family members, or even ourselves say from time to time. But what does it really mean to attach to something or someone? What impacts how much – or how little – we become attached? Do these attachments impact us in significant ways? And is any of this even in our control? 

For decades now, people in the world of therapy have also had these questions, which has led to a huge amount of research dedicated to finding us answers.

Spoiler alert: many of these researchers have come to understand that attachment does matter, and very often does influence how we relate to others. Out of this understanding has come entire therapeutic modalities and techniques built around specific types of attachment and the impact they have on our relationships, beliefs, and mental wellbeing. 

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If right about now you’re wondering why no one specifically taught you attachment theory – something that I am now telling you is very important and impactful – then you’re not alone! You are welcome to join me on team “attachment theory should be taught in schools.” 

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But since this vital education has yet to make its way into the mainstream school curriculum…

…let’s back up a bit, and dive into Attachment 101: The Basics. 

In attachment theory, attachment refers to an emotional bond that connects you to another person. We have different levels and types of attachments with people based on our relationships to them, how well we know them, and the different ways we align with them.

When we talk about attachment styles we are talking about something a little bit more specific. As adults, we all have an attachment style that was developed mainly from birth to 5ish years of age. This attachment style was created by the bond we had with our primary caregiver (otherwise referred to as our attachment figure); the main person or people who took care of us when we were young.

Which general attachment style we ended up with depended on how safe we felt with our primary caregiver(s), how attuned they were to figuring out our needs (both physical and emotional), and how well they were able to meet those needs. 

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There are two main categories of attachment styles: secure and insecure. For those who generally felt safe and attuned to by their caregiver, and who had a caregiver who could meet their needs more often than not, they typically end up with a secure attachment.

Other individuals develop an insecure attachment. This can be caused by a number of things, such as: separation from their attachment figure; feeling unsafe in their environment or with their caregiver; feeling generally misunderstood by their caregiver; not getting their needs met often or at critical times; or experiencing any other traumatic events during childhood. This category of insecure attachment can be broken down further to three, differently presenting types: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. We will dive more into these another day – remember this is just 101, and entire books have been written on each of these styles.

The attachment style we develop from a young age often carries through into adulthood and can show up in our close and intimate relationships in a number of ways.

Sometimes we notice that we have unexpectedly strong reactions to specific things a friend or partner does (such as texting us back in a way that feels too slow or maybe too quick), or we can actually zoom out and observe broader relationship patterns that don’t make sense to us or we don’t want to continue (like noticing you are often romantically drawn to people who are emotionally distant). If this is the case for you, then it might be helpful to look more into attachment theory and how that might be showing up in your life. 

If you are recognizing that you MIGHT relate to the insecure side of attachment, there is good (and perhaps at times, confusing) news that I want to highlight! 

1. First of all, our attachment patterns are complex. For example, some of us grew up with different dynamics with our different caregivers – we might have had one parent we felt secure with, and one we didn’t. What this means is that our patterns of responding can also vary across relationships with different people in our adult lives as well; we aren’t always ‘insecure or secure’ by default in exact same way across people and time.

2. This brings me to my second point, that attachment styles are categories, not diagnoses. Professionally and personally, I find the different categories (secure, insecure – avoidant, anxious, disorganized) to be helpful in creating shared language to understand and communicate why we feel and react certain ways in certain types of relationships with certain people. What can be less helpful is when we then take these patterns that we sometimes exhibit and label it as part of our identity. Part of why this can be unhelpful is because…

3. Our attachment styles can change. We can heal from attachment ruptures we experienced when we were little, we can learn what we truly need in the moments we react strongly in our relationships, and we can begin to relate to those close to us in more secure ways.

In a future New Tides Newsletter, I’ll chat about the signs and characteristics of the different attachment styles throughout the lifespan. If you’re interested in looking into this sooner, I recommend you check out some of the resources I listed below as well as consider bringing your questions to one of our attachment-based therapists (aka any of the lovely therapists at New Tides). 

Therapists who work from an attachment-based perspective can help you understand your current attachment style(s), how it developed, how it shows up, and how to create environments and relationships where you can feel more securely attached. When we’re able to attach from a place of security, we often feel more attuned to our needs, connected in our intimate relationships, and confidently equipped to navigate interpersonal conflict. 

Chat soon, 

Courtney

Click HERE to learn more about Courtney, or to book a session with Courtney

Digestible ways you can learn more about attachment theory and the different styles: 

• Book: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep – love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• Instagram page: @thesecurerelationship

• Podcast: Let’s Talk Attachments with Jessica Da Silva (LMFT)

Articles used to inform this article: 

Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of oneyear-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41, 49-67.

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1973). The development of infant-mother attachment.

Review of child development research, 3,1-94. University of Chicago Press.

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1991). Attachments and other affectional bonds across the life cycle. 

Attachment across the life cycle, 33-51. Routledge.

Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the childs tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371.

McLeod, S. A. (2009). Attachment Theory. www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

Cultivating Self Compassion

If, upon reading this article title you noticed some dismissive thoughts arising; an eye roll; or a tightening in your belly, then let me begin by saying welcome!

You are in good company.

Self-compassion is an invitation to include ourselves amongst those we feel compassion for. While this may seem straightforward written out on this page, the experience of compassion involves recognizing suffering in ourselves and others, holding these experiences with gentleness and care, and recognizing that difficulty is part of the shared human experience – anything but simple!

The practice of self-compassion has a long history, with roots in Buddhist philosophy. Over the last few years, self-compassion has taken on particular relevance as we navigate individual and collective traumas such as the global pandemic, social injustice, and the climate crisis, to name but a few. This has left many of us with reduced access to community supports and resources in order to be with and process our suffering. Self-compassion invites us to bear witness to our pain, acknowledging this as a shared human experience and in doing so care for ourselves and help address our suffering in some way. 

While compassion is a deeply human experience, for many of us self-compassion can feel unfamiliar, inaccessible, or daunting. We may think self-compassion is a nice idea in theory, however struggle when it bumps up against the narratives we hold about the ways we ‘should’ be navigating the ups and downs of life.

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion has brought this concept into wider social consciousness, which has been transformational for many (myself included!) and yet, as we have seen with self-care, these terms can often become coopted by capitalism, leaving us unclear and frustrated about how these ideas can actually help us navigate the challenges we face.  

For many of us a practical exercise can be a starting place, a way to try on something new for size. What follows is an invitation first into the ‘what’ of self-compassion, followed by an exercise offering a way to practice the ‘how’ of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, identifies three pillars that makes up the foundation of self-compassion namely mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

While you can practice bringing these concepts into practice with the audio below, you can also use one, or all of them in every day life as you become more familiar with them.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgmentally bringing one’s attention to the present moment. In the context of self-compassion, a focus on mindfulness invites us to step into an observing relationship to ourselves, noticing the quality of our thoughts, emotions, as well as physical sensations in our bodies. We cannot offer ourselves compassion if we are simultaneously ignoring our pain, therefore being present with what is hard for us becomes an entry point into self-compassion. On the flip side, mindfulness also invites us to witness our difficulties without over-identifying with them, which helps us to be present with our experiences as opposed to re-experiencing them. For example, we might envision ourselves sitting on the bank of a stream, observing our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as leaves calmly floating by, noticing their presence without minimizing or over-identifying with them.

Common Humanity

This element of self-compassion aims to undo our aloneness by acknowledging that suffering is part of what makes us human. In viewing our vulnerabilities, mistakes, and pain as part of the shared human experience, we begin to dismantle the isolation that our full, messy, human selves can evoke when encountering hardship. Rather than an indication of otherness, our suffering can be viewed as what connects us to those around us.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness helps us to cultivate a warm understanding for the challenges we experience, rather than doubling down on our pain through self-judgement and harsh criticism. We acknowledge that the suffering we experience is enough and rather than adding onto it, we consider how might we tend to this hurt with a gentle, caring approach. For some of us, this may feel more natural when responding to the suffering of those around us; self-kindness is an invitation to include yourself into this circle of care.

Learning something new is courageous and I encourage you to offer yourself patience and kindness as you would to a loved one learning something new or encountering difficulty. It is also worth mentioning that the process of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others can put us in touch with some strong feelings. This is normal and expected and another great reason for finding a right sized examples to work with. This might look like being present with a corner of your difficult experience or bringing your focus to 5% of the pain, knowing that you get to set the pace for your practice.

Below is a practice grounded in the three principles of self-compassion, adapted from Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break Exercise.

Authored by: Camille Labonté Raymond, one of our registered clinical counsellors offering services in Vancouver BC.

Disclaimer: This audio and other mindfulness exercises provided are not intended to be used as a substitute for counselling or therapy. If you are experiencing ongoing or distressing anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation or are in any other form of distress, please seek the support of a Registered Clinical Counsellor or Psychologist.

Guilt Vs. Shame: How to Tell The Difference

Transcript:

Hello. I want to talk a little bit today about the difference between shame and guilt. I think this is a really important distinction that I often talk about with a lot of my clients and I just wanted to spend a few minutes sharing with you and talk about why that might actually be important. So when I think of shame and guilt the primary things I like to think about are basically that guilt is a functional emotion - I actually really like guilt.

Guilt lets us know that we've done something that's not in line with our values and it kind of says, "I've done something that's not great". Guilt says, "I've done a bad thing". Shame goes so much deeper. Shame tells us that we are bad. So guilt is I've done a bad thing and shame sounds like, "I'm actually a bad person at my core". So we might do something and instead of having a response of, "Oh crap i need to apologize or I probably shouldn't have done that"... I often use the the example of being caught gossiping or talking about someone - it can be like this sick feeling of "Oh I've gotten caught doing something that I shouldn't have done. If we do that and we have a shame response it's it's not separate!

The thing that we did and ourselves are not separate. We become not good enough or we feel wrong as a person. We feel fundamentally bad at our core and the shame response often comes with the impulse to hide, or the want to run away, or I don't want to be seen by anybody - I should go live in a hole essentially, and I think this is really important to notice in ourselves because when we have that shame response come up it's a little bit of a red flag that there's something else going on beyond what we actually did. Not too many of us are really bad at our core and even if we experience ourselves in that way - if we do a lot of things that aren't very good there's probably a really good reason that that's how we are, that that's how we came to be, but that's a topic for a different day. It's important because shame is a social construct.

Shame is not something we are just born with and and that we that we feel just from ourselves. Shame is brought about by learning that when we do something bad we are bad as an extension so if we experience a lot of responses in our childhood that sound like, "We don't do that", that's very it's very othering. It creates a lot of separation. It tells us that if we do something we are not part of - normally the family community, the family culture -we do something that we are excluded. If when we have feelings we overwhelm people, if we overwhelm parents, if we overwhelm other people, then we learn that we can't be ourselves, that we can't express ourselves. If we are met with a lack of forgiveness or if we watch a caregiver not be able to have compassion for themselves when they do poorly or if we grow up with a lot of really high value placed on success or perfectionism, if we don't watch our parents and our caregivers fail and be okay with failure or mistakes that can also elicit shame. There's so many pieces that can elicit shame but essentially what it boils down to is that we are met with not being accepted for who we are when we experience something that's difficult or when we make a mistake, and if on the flip side we are met with compassion and kindness and understanding when we make a mistake or when we fail or when we have an angry outburst, what happens is that we learn to separate our behavior from who we are and that's a really important piece. We learn to separate our behavior from who we are.

So we can throw our ice cream at someone, we hit someone in the face and if we are met with the sense of that isn't an okay thing to do but you're okay, I want to teach you how to do something different, you're still lovable you're still okay, your internal experience is valid even if you just threw an ice cream with someone's face and the behavior isn't okay and then we learn to be able to separate the thing from ourselves and then we learn to deal with guilt instead of shame.

So when shame pops up in our experience, when we get that feeling of we're not okay we're bad, I'm not good enough then that is really a red flag for us to look at something else going on inside of us other than that thing that we did it's an invitation to start bringing understanding and compassion to ourselves in a way that we might not have experienced in the past which I think is really beautiful and really important.

We talk a little bit about shame and guilt and a lot about how to deal with our internal reactions in my program The embodied Way Through Anxiety but here's just your tidbit for today - emails going off in the background reminding that I need to be somewhere else - thank you for listening along today. If you relate to this, if you have any questions about this please don't hesitate to pop a comment in in the space below, and if you want to learn a little bit more about anxiety and our nervous system there's a free download for you below - five ways to reduce anxiety by listening and connecting to our bodies. Feel free to take a peek at that and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.

Warmly,

Morgan

How to Find a Counsellor in Vancouver: The Search for the Right Fit

Even as a mental health professional, the search for a new counsellor can be an extremely daunting one! Here are some questions, resources and food for thought as you are embarking on the next phase of growth in your life, or beginning to look at yourself in a new way for the first time!

Before You Begin

Before you begin looking online for a counsellor, there are a few things you may want to consider that may impact your search!

• Finances: How much are you willing to invest in your counselling process? If know you can only afford 5 sessions in the next 12 months, your counselling process will be different than if you are able to commit to counselling twice a month (or even once a month) for the next year or two.

• Insurance: with finances in mind, do you have insurance coverage? Look at your coverage details to confirm what type of counsellor is covered and how much (ie. RCC, CCC, RSW, Psychologist - this will help narrow your search).

• How deep do you want to go? Are you hoping to gain a few skills, really dig deep, or just see where counselling takes you? If you are hoping to work on childhood trauma, attachment/family of origin work, or complex trauma you will definitely want someone who is trauma informed and/or well versed in attachment theory and somatic (body based) counselling. This can be long-term and vulnerable work; finding the right person who you feel comfortable with can take take time, and the right fit is so important.

  • Note. Many counsellors focus either on short term counselling (tools/skills) or with deeper/long term work - it is helpful to ask about this to make sure you find a good match!

• Personality Fit:

  • Finding someone you are comfortable with, who you feel a personal ‘click’ with is, in my mind one of the MOST important aspects of finding a counsellor. Be on the lookout for this during your search and in your initial intake calls - which counsellors did you genuinely enjoy reading about or talking to?

  • When you think about the people you are most comfortable sharing with or taking guidance, what are they like? Quiet and patient? People with a large presence who give you permission to be your full messy self? Warm, nuturing mother like figures? This can help you assess how you feel when you meet with counsellors for the first time.

• Values and beliefs: Are there any important anchors in your life such as spirituality, animals, religion or do you absolutely love Brene Brown? Just as in any other relationship in life, sharing values or beliefs can be a wonderful anchor in the therapeutic relationship.

• Your Schedule: When you are available can rule out many counsellors and therapists. Including your availability in your initial call or email can save a lot of time.

  Where and How to Start Looking

• A wonderful way to connect with a counsellor can be to ask around your network - particularly with friends who you know have been through similar life experiences, face similar challenges, or who you have personality traits in common with!

• Here are some reputable websites that can help find a counsellor (in British Columbia, Canada), but if location is important to you, a Google or Google Maps search can be helpful as well - specificity will help if you already know what you’re looking for (Registered Clinical Counsellor for PTSD and somatic therapy) .

• BCACC : The British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors is the primary licensing body for Master’s level counsellors in British Columbia and a wonderful place to start in your search for a Registered Clinical Counsellor

• Counselling Match : Counselling Match is a wonderful place to start if you are not sure what type of therapy you are looking for, or if you would like to explore finding a counsellor based on personality. Their innovative matching system has both counsellors and clients fill out a personality profile and matches you to well suited counsellors who offer counselling for your specific challenges, or for in the modality you prefer. As a new company, Counselling Match is still growing, but as counsellor, I have found great fit in the clients I have worked with through this system.

• Psychology Today: One of the most widely used search tools for counsellors, Psychology Today can be an effective, but overwhelming resource for finding a counsellor/therapist. It can be a great resource for finding counsellors of a specific modality (ie. DBT, EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy), or for a specific population or age group, though it does not include all modalities or specialties. This is for those of you who wants to research as many options as possible.

• Counselling BC: Another rather straightforward search directory for counsellors in BC that also includes Psychologists and more specialized therapists (registered art therapy, music therapists etc.).

Questions to Ask Your Potential Counsellor

Many counsellors will offer a free 15 minute call or video call before booking your first session - call at least a few counsellors if you can! Pick and choose what questions feel most relevant for you.

• How do you view the change process in therapy?

  • This will help you get a sense of what their theory of change is and what therapy will focus on (i.e. cognitive work, mindfulness, compassion-focused, understanding your childhood etc.)

  • On a related note - what part(s) of the clients experience do you focus most on? The Body? Attachment history? Negative Beliefs?

• Do you have specific training and experience working with (issue you’re wanting to work on)

  • This may be surprising to know, but not all counsellors are trained equally, and many counsellors must seek extra training in working with issues such as trauma, disordered eating, addictions and more.

• What do sessions actually look like?

  • Are we processing emotion? Building compassion? Learning skills? Exploring body awareness in the present moment? Telling stories about trauma? This will give you as sense of their work, the speed they move and the general therapeutic process. While this may seem abstract at first, if you speak with a few counsellors or therapists, chances are you will begin to hear certain things that “click” for you personally more than others.

• Between sessions

  • Are you expected to do “homework” or readings? How do sessions flow from one week (or month) to the next?

• How do you handle “rupture and repair”?

  • Such an important (and potentially awkward!) topic! If you’re looking to do long term work with a counsellor, chances are you will feel stuck, angry or feel hurt by your counsellor! These “ruptures” in the therapeutic relationship are not only a normal part of the therapeutic process, but a great opportunity for exploration, change and growth, as often this shows up in other parts of our lives as well, and having a counsellor who is comfortable and skilled with the “repair” and growth process when difficult moments come up in counselling is essential.

What if It’s Not a Fit After All?

• I try to remember to encourage every client to let me know what is and isn’t working, and if at any point another therapist might seem like a better option. This is for several reasons!

  1. 1. Therapists are humans too! We may be paid for our time, but we do care, and when a client drops off of our radar suddenly we do worry about you.

  2. 2. Navigating what is working and not working can be an important part of the process - in part learning what works as a team, as well as navigating potential challenges that com up for you personally around asking and expressing what you need, which isn’t always as simple as it sounds.

• Just because you found someone who is not a great fit, or, an unfortunate experience in counselling does not mean that finding a good counsellor for you is hopeless. Of course it can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting to open up and be disappointed, but hopefully this does not mean missing out on the magic that occurs when you do find a counsellor you click with. Often this takes time and trial and error; several counsellors in our network have actually seen several different counsellors for different pieces of “work” over the years - keep in mind that your needs and preferences as a client can expand and grow over time!

Be patient with yourself in your search and give yourself permission to go slowly, especially in initial sessions or with counsellors you aren’t quite sure of yet. Even in a counselling relationship that is supposed to be a “safe space”, trust takes time to be build and for most of us must be earned.

Best of luck in your search, and please comment below if you have any questions or suggestions! A new post will come soon regarding different therapeutic modalities and lenses, which can be a confusing part of the search for a counsellor!

Warmly,

Morgan

Getting the Most Out of Online Counselling

With so many counsellors making the switch to online or video counselling recently, this switch can be jarring for clients (and for counsellors too!). Here are some quick tips to think about to make the most out of your sessions with your counsellor, especially if you initially wanted to stick to in person sessions but the wait became longer than expected!

Before Your Session

Setting Up Your Space

• If you can, choose a space where you feel most comfortable in your home. If you have a calm pet nearby you can have them in the room as well!

• Make sure you have what you need: Kleenex, a pad of paper and pen, headphones, your charging cord, any items that you find soothing (soft fabric, stress ball or smooth stones, essential oils etc.)

• Focus: Focus can be tricky when you’re in your own space. Leave your phone off to the side, close all your other windows, turn off your e-mail/Facebook notifications and if ask to be disturbed as little as possible if you’re sharing space with others.

• Internet: The higher quality the better! To improve your internet quality, you can restart your router before the session and turn off your phone or other devices connected to the internet while setting up as close to your router as possible, or plugging in with an ethernet cable. In my opinion this is the biggest determinant of online counselling working well for so many reasons!

Privacy and Confidentiality

• If possible, find a private space in your home

• if your space is less than soundproof, music, other sounds or fans in common areas can help maintain a sense of privacy

Transitioning In and Out of Sessions:

• It can be so difficult to transition between so many different activities in a singular space!

• My favourite way to start a session: either right before or at the beginning of your session, take a few moments to sit quietly, perhaps with your eyes closed, focusing on your breath or checking in on your internal world to see what’s happening in your body, emotions, thoughts etc.

• Transitioning out of a session: set aside at least 15 minutes after a session to transition back into the rest of your day. This could look like journalling, taking a walk, a short yoga class, listening to music or having creative time etc.

Body Awareness & Movements

• If your counsellor incorporates somatic work / body awareness into your counselling sessions, you may have to give your counsellor a bit of help communicating what’s happening in your body outside of the screen.

  • For example, you might notice that as you’re talking about your anxiety, or the day you had, that your foot starts to tap quickly. You might find it helpful to notice and mention this in passing to your counsellor as you’re continuing to chat.

• Similarly, if your internet connection is on the slower side, you may have to make it more clear whats happening in your face and upper body as well! For example you might let your counsellor know when your breath starts to slow, or when you feel your face light up or when you feel yourself slowing down or getting ‘heavier’.

Becoming more aware and communicating what’s happening in your body is all great practice for you as well!

Getting Creative

• If you’re having hard time making hour long online connections work, you may be able to explore other options with your counsellor. This may look like a ‘walk and talk’ session on the phone, a shorter 30 minute session to touch base and talk about coping, or even a video session in the car!

Permission

The transition to attending counselling online via video can be tough!

Let your counsellor know if you’re having a hard time, or if you have questions, or if you’re feeling anxious. All are totally normal things, but talking about it or doing some problem solving might be helpful.