COUNSELLING AND THERAPY BLOG
Guilt Vs. Shame: How to Tell The Difference
How do we tell the difference between guilt and shame? How can this help us?
Transcript:
Hello. I want to talk a little bit today about the difference between shame and guilt. I think this is a really important distinction that I often talk about with a lot of my clients and I just wanted to spend a few minutes sharing with you and talk about why that might actually be important. So when I think of shame and guilt the primary things I like to think about are basically that guilt is a functional emotion - I actually really like guilt.
Guilt lets us know that we've done something that's not in line with our values and it kind of says, "I've done something that's not great". Guilt says, "I've done a bad thing". Shame goes so much deeper. Shame tells us that we are bad. So guilt is I've done a bad thing and shame sounds like, "I'm actually a bad person at my core". So we might do something and instead of having a response of, "Oh crap i need to apologize or I probably shouldn't have done that"... I often use the the example of being caught gossiping or talking about someone - it can be like this sick feeling of "Oh I've gotten caught doing something that I shouldn't have done. If we do that and we have a shame response it's it's not separate!
The thing that we did and ourselves are not separate. We become not good enough or we feel wrong as a person. We feel fundamentally bad at our core and the shame response often comes with the impulse to hide, or the want to run away, or I don't want to be seen by anybody - I should go live in a hole essentially, and I think this is really important to notice in ourselves because when we have that shame response come up it's a little bit of a red flag that there's something else going on beyond what we actually did. Not too many of us are really bad at our core and even if we experience ourselves in that way - if we do a lot of things that aren't very good there's probably a really good reason that that's how we are, that that's how we came to be, but that's a topic for a different day. It's important because shame is a social construct.
Shame is not something we are just born with and and that we that we feel just from ourselves. Shame is brought about by learning that when we do something bad we are bad as an extension so if we experience a lot of responses in our childhood that sound like, "We don't do that", that's very it's very othering. It creates a lot of separation. It tells us that if we do something we are not part of - normally the family community, the family culture -we do something that we are excluded. If when we have feelings we overwhelm people, if we overwhelm parents, if we overwhelm other people, then we learn that we can't be ourselves, that we can't express ourselves. If we are met with a lack of forgiveness or if we watch a caregiver not be able to have compassion for themselves when they do poorly or if we grow up with a lot of really high value placed on success or perfectionism, if we don't watch our parents and our caregivers fail and be okay with failure or mistakes that can also elicit shame. There's so many pieces that can elicit shame but essentially what it boils down to is that we are met with not being accepted for who we are when we experience something that's difficult or when we make a mistake, and if on the flip side we are met with compassion and kindness and understanding when we make a mistake or when we fail or when we have an angry outburst, what happens is that we learn to separate our behavior from who we are and that's a really important piece. We learn to separate our behavior from who we are.
So we can throw our ice cream at someone, we hit someone in the face and if we are met with the sense of that isn't an okay thing to do but you're okay, I want to teach you how to do something different, you're still lovable you're still okay, your internal experience is valid even if you just threw an ice cream with someone's face and the behavior isn't okay and then we learn to be able to separate the thing from ourselves and then we learn to deal with guilt instead of shame.
So when shame pops up in our experience, when we get that feeling of we're not okay we're bad, I'm not good enough then that is really a red flag for us to look at something else going on inside of us other than that thing that we did it's an invitation to start bringing understanding and compassion to ourselves in a way that we might not have experienced in the past which I think is really beautiful and really important.
We talk a little bit about shame and guilt and a lot about how to deal with our internal reactions in my program The embodied Way Through Anxiety but here's just your tidbit for today - emails going off in the background reminding that I need to be somewhere else - thank you for listening along today. If you relate to this, if you have any questions about this please don't hesitate to pop a comment in in the space below, and if you want to learn a little bit more about anxiety and our nervous system there's a free download for you below - five ways to reduce anxiety by listening and connecting to our bodies. Feel free to take a peek at that and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.
Warmly,
Morgan
How to Find a Counsellor in Vancouver: The Search for the Right Fit
Even as a mental health professional, the search for a new counsellor can be an extremely daunting one! Here are some questions, resources and food for thought as you are embarking on the next phase of growth in your life!
Even as a mental health professional, the search for a new counsellor can be an extremely daunting one! Here are some questions, resources and food for thought as you are embarking on the next phase of growth in your life, or beginning to look at yourself in a new way for the first time!
Before You Begin
Before you begin looking online for a counsellor, there are a few things you may want to consider that may impact your search!
Finances: How much are you willing to invest in your counselling process? If know you can only afford 5 sessions in the next 12 months, your counselling process will be different than if you are able to commit to counselling twice a month (or even once a month) for the next year or two.
Insurance: with finances in mind, do you have insurance coverage? Look at your coverage details to confirm what type of counsellor is covered and how much (ie. RCC, CCC, RSW, Psychologist - this will help narrow your search).
How deep do you want to go? Are you hoping to gain a few skills, really dig deep, or just see where counselling takes you? If you are hoping to work on childhood trauma, attachment/family of origin work, or complex trauma you will definitely want someone who is trauma informed and/or well versed in attachment theory and somatic (body based) counselling. This can be long-term and vulnerable work; finding the right person who you feel comfortable with can take take time, and the right fit is so important.
Note. Many counsellors focus either on short term counselling (tools/skills) or with deeper/long term work - it is helpful to ask about this to make sure you find a good match!
Personality Fit:
Finding someone you are comfortable with, who you feel a personal ‘click’ with is, in my mind one of the MOST important aspects of finding a counsellor. Be on the lookout for this during your search and in your initial intake calls - which counsellors did you genuinely enjoy reading about or talking to?
When you think about the people you are most comfortable sharing with or taking guidance, what are they like? Quiet and patient? People with a large presence who give you permission to be your full messy self? Warm, nuturing mother like figures? This can help you assess how you feel when you meet with counsellors for the first time.
Values and beliefs: Are there any important anchors in your life such as spirituality, animals, religion or do you absolutely love Brene Brown? Just as in any other relationship in life, sharing values or beliefs can be a wonderful anchor in the therapeutic relationship.
Your Schedule: When you are available can rule out many counsellors and therapists. Including your availability in your initial call or email can save a lot of time.
Where and How to Start Looking
A wonderful way to connect with a counsellor can be to ask around your network - particularly with friends who you know have been through similar life experiences, face similar challenges, or who you have personality traits in common with!
Here are some reputable websites that can help find a counsellor (in British Columbia, Canada), but if location is important to you, a Google or Google Maps search can be helpful as well - specificity will help if you already know what you’re looking for (Registered Clinical Counsellor for PTSD and somatic therapy) .
BCACC : The British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors is the primary licensing body for Master’s level counsellors in British Columbia and a wonderful place to start in your search for a Registered Clinical Counsellor
Counselling Match : Counselling Match is a wonderful place to start if you are not sure what type of therapy you are looking for, or if you would like to explore finding a counsellor based on personality. Their innovative matching system has both counsellors and clients fill out a personality profile and matches you to well suited counsellors who offer counselling for your specific challenges, or for in the modality you prefer. As a new company, Counselling Match is still growing, but as counsellor, I have found great fit in the clients I have worked with through this system.
Psychology Today: One of the most widely used search tools for counsellors, Psychology Today can be an effective, but overwhelming resource for finding a counsellor/therapist. It can be a great resource for finding counsellors of a specific modality (ie. DBT, EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy), or for a specific population or age group, though it does not include all modalities or specialties. This is for those of you who wants to research as many options as possible.
Counselling BC: Another rather straightforward search directory for counsellors in BC that also includes Psychologists and more specialized therapists (registered art therapy, music therapists etc.).
Questions to Ask Your Potential Counsellor
Many counsellors will offer a free 15 minute call or video call before booking your first session - call at least a few counsellors if you can! Pick and choose what questions feel most relevant for you.
How do you view the change process in therapy?
This will help you get a sense of what their theory of change is and what therapy will focus on (i.e. cognitive work, mindfulness, compassion-focused, understanding your childhood etc.)
On a related note - what part(s) of the clients experience do you focus most on? The Body? Attachment history? Negative Beliefs?
Do you have specific training and experience working with (issue you’re wanting to work on)
This may be surprising to know, but not all counsellors are trained equally, and many counsellors must seek extra training in working with issues such as trauma, disordered eating, addictions and more.
What do sessions actually look like?
Are we processing emotion? Building compassion? Learning skills? Exploring body awareness in the present moment? Telling stories about trauma? This will give you as sense of their work, the speed they move and the general therapeutic process. While this may seem abstract at first, if you speak with a few counsellors or therapists, chances are you will begin to hear certain things that “click” for you personally more than others.
Between sessions
Are you expected to do “homework” or readings? How do sessions flow from one week (or month) to the next?
How do you handle “rupture and repair”?
Such an important (and potentially awkward!) topic! If you’re looking to do long term work with a counsellor, chances are you will feel stuck, angry or feel hurt by your counsellor! These “ruptures” in the therapeutic relationship are not only a normal part of the therapeutic process, but a great opportunity for exploration, change and growth, as often this shows up in other parts of our lives as well, and having a counsellor who is comfortable and skilled with the “repair” and growth process when difficult moments come up in counselling is essential.
What if It’s Not a Fit After All?
I try to remember to encourage every client to let me know what is and isn’t working, and if at any point another therapist might seem like a better option. This is for several reasons!
1. Therapists are humans too! We may be paid for our time, but we do care, and when a client drops off of our radar suddenly we do worry about you.
2. Navigating what is working and not working can be an important part of the process - in part learning what works as a team, as well as navigating potential challenges that com up for you personally around asking and expressing what you need, which isn’t always as simple as it sounds.
Just because you found someone who is not a great fit, or, an unfortunate experience in counselling does not mean that finding a good counsellor for you is hopeless. Of course it can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting to open up and be disappointed, but hopefully this does not mean missing out on the magic that occurs when you do find a counsellor you click with. Often this takes time and trial and error; several counsellors in our network have actually seen several different counsellors for different pieces of “work” over the years - keep in mind that your needs and preferences as a client can expand and grow over time!
